Day one, I forgot my uniform.
Day two, I accidentally knocked the instructor’s water into a cesspit.
Day three, we went on a training run and in the effort to try to keep up with him, I ended up standing on the back of his shoe onthreeseparate occasions, which I discovered is about the worst thing you can do to anybody ever. Until I did what I did on day four.
Day four, I ate his fucking sandwich. It was in the community refrigerator, and he didn’t have any kind of note on it. It was just there, waiting for me. What else was I going to do? Not eat it? Suffice to say, I was nearly kicked out of the program then and there. Stealing food, is, apparently, a big no no. Very bad for team morale, etcetera.
Instructor Mike would have bounced me out of the program there and then, but someone higher up suggested that the sort of person who would eat a sandwich opportunistically was probably the sort of person who would survive in the wild on their own rather well, so I got to stay. But I’ve been on his shit list ever since, and that’s why I’m getting my ass chewed out for the thousandth time. This is the last day of the course, and everybody is getting their final debriefing from the instructor. One at a time we’ve filed into his dome and received personal feedback and encouraging words. Well, everybody else has. As I walk into the dome, his expression shifts from pleasant to furious.
I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. This doesn’t seem like the time to make that statement, though. As the screaming continues, it becomes apparent that I’m late. That would explain everybody else being here already. Oh. And they’re all in their best uniforms. Holy shit did I not get the memo. This is graduation. I’m late for graduation, and I’ve shown up in fatigues rather than dress uniform. Oopsie. Wonder how I missed that. I’m starting to think that they’ve been feeding me incorrect information just so they can yell at me and make me look more incompetent than I truly am. Again, not the time to share that suspicion. Mike is still yelling.
“You’re foolish and reckless. You follow your instincts at the expense of common sense. I’m not recommending you for exploratory missions. You’re better suited to a support role where you can be supervised. Fortunately for you, and unfortunately for EET, we need every body we can get. So you’re in.”
“I’m in! You’re passing me?”
“Reluctantly,” he says.
“Fuck yes!” I pump my fist and grin. Nobody else seems particularly happy for me, but I figure someone has to be the black sheep of the training party. May as well be me. A pass is as good as a commendation in the EET. This means I’m going to get to leave my poky little space station and explore an entire planet alone. I’m never going to be packed into a crowded hellscape again. Instead, I’m going to spend my life seeing all the wonders of the universe — and I’m not going to be doing it alone.
It’s time for the graduates to be assigned their support animals. These won’t just be creatures to cuddle. They’ll be animal allies helping us survive in the wild. They’re hunters, protectors, and best friends. I can’t wait to get mine.
“Whoa!” A chorus of similar cries goes up as the first animal is unveiled for Tajik, head of our class. It’s a lion. An actual lion, and it moves with a powerful, prowling gait out from the chute and toward the explorer it will bond with. These animals are specially selected and trained for each of us; as long as we have been preparing for this moment, so have they. I am incredibly jealous. Some say that one’s support animal reflects their inner selves. Is Tajik a lion? I don’t know. I do know that no harm will come to Tajik.
Next out is a wolf, a stunning, lean predator. That goes to Nali. Again there is a general sound of awe and approval.
I watch as a parade of apex predators and hunting machines are joined with their new partners. Because Mike has me graduating bottom of the class, which is some bullshit, I’m the last to get mine. Nobody is really paying attention anymore. Most of them are too busy petting manes and pelts and fawning over their new animal partners.
I hear a clippety cloppety sound coming down the chute. That’s odd. Most of the animals moved nearly soundlessly on great paws. I don’t know what kind of wolf or maybe hyena would make that sound.
I’m looking too high. I have to lower my gaze to see what has been assigned to me. It’s not a lion, a tiger, a wolf, a shepherd dog. It’s not even an asthmatic puggle. It’s a goat. A little white goat with a big pink bow tied around her neck.
Meheheh!
A roar of laughter meets the sight of my support animal. She trots over to me, happily imprinted on me in the same way the other beasts are. She comes to my side and rubs her head on my leg. There’s a little tag in the bow with her name written on it:Strumpet.
Instructor Mike is grinning ear to ear. I’ve never seen that fucker so happy before. He’s finally gotten back at me. I’ve been saddled with this goat. Not even a big goat. Not even a billy goat with massive curled horns and a bad temper. I’ve got this little white goat with not much more than nubs extending from her head.
“What do you think of your animal partner, Jem?” He has a shit-eating grin. He wants me to be upset. I am upset. It’s not just that I didn’t get a super cool apex predator animal companion. It’s that her size and shape mean she’s not going to offer much in terms of protection the way most other animals are. This isn’t just a joke. This is a prank that puts my life at risk.
I reach down and cover Strumpet’s ears. “What is she going to do to help me, exactly?”
“Don’t worry, Jem,” he says. “You don’t need anyone or anything else anyway, do you. You can do this on your own.”
He’s mocking me. Still mad about the sandwich. It wasn’t even that good a sandwich.
What a fucking asshole. He’s prepared to let me fucking die on a distant planet because I annoyed him during training. What a petty bitch.
I mutter that under my breath as I leave the ceremony. I say mutter; I actually say it quite audibly. I know Mike heard it because he grabs me by the back of the suit and hauls me toward him. I see his hand open and coming toward me. He’s going to slap the shit out of me, I guess. And I don’t really have time to stop him. He’s holding me pretty well.
Before his hand can reach my face, he drops me and collapses in a crumpled heap. I am surprised to find myself standing over him as he grabs his crotch and curses in a high pitched whine I’ve never heard emit from him before.
It would seem that Strumpet has reared up and butted him right in the balls. Having done that, she’s now chewing at her bow, pulling it off her neck.
“Wow,” I say. “I guess she really will be useful. Thanks for the demonstration, Instructor Mike.”
I walk away, leaving him in the dirt. I’m done with training. I’m going to get my assignment.
* * *