How she would proceed. Alone? Or with assistance.
And even if she had assistance, could she hand her fate over so entirely into the keeping of the duke?
What was she going to do? How was she going to take care of her sister, Lily?
That realization had hit her hard after she’d accepted that she could somehow manage as a mother.
She had no money of her own. She had no house of her own. She supposed her brother might allow her to live in shame and solitude in the country in their moldering estate. But how would she pay for anything? A servant, food, someone to help raise her child?
Oh, she had education enough that she supposed she could do it without a governess or a tutor, but how would she then send them to school when the time came if it was a boy? The weight of all the responsibility she would owe to this little person struck her so hard that she could scarcely draw breath.
Perhaps the duke would take care of her, but what a coil that would be to be taken care of, to be completely at his mercy.
He would be merciful. She felt fairly certain, but she’d wanted…
Tears filled her eyes.
This was the antithesis of everything that she had wanted for herself, to be put in a position ofneedingmercy. She wanted to rail at the proverbial gods, to pound her hands against the walls and scream. She was tempted to take up a pillow and bash it against the bed.
She wanted the babe growing within her. She would not fail the small person, but she was completely out of sorts about how to go about it properly at present.
The door opened slowly, and the duke stepped into the chamber. He did not say anything for a long moment, and she forced herself to pause in her pacing.
She stared at him, and she must have looked wild-eyed for he paled.
“Cat,” he said softly. “Everything will be all right.”
She let out a dry laugh as she faced him, knowing that he had no wish for emotional entanglements. “Do not lie.”
“I am not lying, Cat,” he replied evenly.
She shook her head then, recalling their first night, how she had pressed him into this by declaring he had owed her.
And now…
“You cannot promise me that all will be well,” she managed to utter. “You know as well as I that this world is full of things that end badly.” She drew herself up and whispered, “You know it better than most, Your Grace.”
In that moment, she was furious with herself for bringing up his pain. She did not understand why she was so emotional and full of fear. But she felt like a sea of emotion.
A sea of ups and downs.
He took a step forward. “You are correct, and I should not have humored you thus. Childbirth is dangerous. Children often do not survive, and the fact is that as beautiful as this world is, it is also a cruel one. Something you already know. I don’t need to tell you that, Cat, but there’s no point in me driving it home to you. What good would it do?”
“No good,” she said softly, studying him. “But I will not ignore the reality of my situation.”
“Yes,” he said. “You’re going to have my child.”
“How?” she proclaimed. “How have I been so completely foolish?”
He winced. “You’re not foolish, Cat.”
“I am,” she protested. “I am well-read. I understand what produces a child, or at least I should have done.”
“Cat,” he breathed. “You are correct that you are woefully uneducated when it comes to the nature of things between men and women. But you are no different than almost every young lady in our society. Even the married ones,” he said. “If you must know, many young ladies do not know they’re pregnant at all. Their maids have to tell them.”
“Which is what happened to me,” she cut in.
He drove a hand through his hair. “Forgive me. I should have told you more. I focused so much on the doing of making love that I did not explain what could happen in rare circumstances, even with precautions. I knew I’d have to explain it all to you, but I assumed I had time. I—”