A sudden vision of the two of them together, standing in front of me with one of their arms wrapped around the other’s waist and reaching for me almost knocks me on the damn floor. That would be too much sexiness. I mean, that level ofoh my godshouldn’t exist in the real world.
It’s a damn nice fantasy though and I’m going to file it away for later. Much later. Like the dead of night later when I get out my little friend and let the fantasy play out in all it’s hot, sweaty, surround sound glory in my head. I bet they both groan in a way that makes it feel like vibrations against one’s clit.
Not my clit. But a clit.
Maybe I need to go out on a date. It’s been a long damn time. It’s not even like I had bad relationships or anything. They were okay, but every guy has gotten frustrated with me because while I’m nice and pleasant on the surface I have a hard time letting people in.
I shield my heart with iron and steel. It’s safer for me. The deep stuff is scary and it’s too much of a risk.
Suddenly I’m back in the house with the smoke and the heat. I was too young to be experience what I did. I thought I was going to be trapped forever, but then, suddenly, someone appeared in front of me, an angelic savior with a respirator and fire-retardant gear. It was 18 years ago, when I was only eight, but there are times when it still wakes me up.
I remember the fireman cooed sweet words in my ear when I refused to let go of him while the paramedics were trying to look at the burns on my leg. I was so damn scared.
“You were so brave,” he whispered. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
They were the only comforts I had at that moment, my mind unable to process and deal with the trauma. Then I realized my parents and brother weren’t right there next to me, and nothing could ground me in that panic. So much loss. So much destruction.
My entire world was set ablaze that night. I wish I had someone to blame, but I don’t because faulty wiring wasn’t someone that I could point my finger at. It just was.
A destiny a little girl had to endure; a path forever changed.
My aunt and uncle took me in and were amazing to me. I’ll always be grateful to them.
What I told Jude was true the other day, I did grow up in Arizona because that’s where my aunt and uncle live. It’s the only place I really remember living before I moved back to Chicago to go to school and then decided to stay. I don’t remember anything before the fire, not really.
Sometimes I think I get snatches of my parents and my brother on the periphery of my consciousness, but then it vanishes like the smoke which surrounded me that night. I can’t ever capture it. It’s why I wanted to come back to Chicago for school. I thought, stupidly maybe, that by coming back here, I would find a piece of myself that I lost.
I haven’t, but it still feels right to be here which is why I’ve stayed.
“Edison,” Kent, who is technically my boss, snaps me out of thinking about the night of the fire. His voice is full of concern, “Are you okay?”
I look down to realize I’m clutching at my chest and panting. It’s the memories; sometimes they seem to trap me and hold me hostage. Fuck. I probably look possessed.
I force my fingers to relax and unclench. Taking a deep breath, relishing in the oxygen as it fills my lungs, forces the panic away. I’m in the library, my happy place. I’m surrounded by books. I’m safe.
I force a smile on my face even though my voice betrays me with how downtrodden it is, “I’m fine.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “You don’t look fine. You look freaked the fuck out.”
I chuckle, the sound a rasp in my throat. “No, really. I was just remembering something, and I got myself worked up, but I’m okay.”
Kent takes a step closer to me and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. He’s a good guy. He’s also very committed to Ariel, the woman he shares with his two best friends. Even before he was in that relationship, he’s never given me creeper vibes, just good guy vibes with a side of nerdy.
I mean, the man wears cardigans and glasses. It shouldn’t work, but it does on him. Without coming off as creepy. It’s a skill and the man has it in spades.
“If you say so,” he acquiesces, though I can tell he doesn’t believe me. It’s okay; he doesn’t have to. “What are you doing this weekend?”
I give him a deadpan look before we both say, “Reading.”
I giggle and I swear the intensity of whoever has been watching me ramps up. I glance to the side and notice Jude wheeling the janitor’s cart closer, his eyes intent and looking at me. Has he been watching me this entire time?
I didn’t think so, at least I didn’t see him before.
“Reading anything good?”
I shrug, not wanting to share how deep I am into a paranormal romance series right now. Would he make fun of me? It wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure.
I land on, “You know, just fantasy?”