But Dad wasn’t in the mood for technicalities. His normally placid face began to puff up with irritation. My father did not like to be the last person in the room to know what was going on and I could hardly blame him for that.
‘Gwen, what’s he talking about?’ he asked. ‘What incident? Why are you on leave?’
I folded my napkin into four neat squares and placed it on the table where my plate had been.
‘I cobbed a stapler at a sexist pig and now I’m facing disciplinary action.’
‘Oh my,’ Nan said, taking a sip of her wine.
‘But this isn’t about that,’ I insisted as my dad turned puce. ‘I’m not leaving because I’ve been fired, I’m leaving because I want to. Every day I go to the office and work a stupid number of hours to make more money for an awful man and dozens more awful men just like him. There’s nothing in it for me except a pat on the back from the boss, the promise of more work, more hours and eventually the chance to slack off a bit while some other poor girl works herself into the ground for the chance to repeat the cycle again and again and again.’
From the expressions on their faces, no one other than Manny seemed to understand why this would be a problem.
‘There’s a poster in the women’s toilets that says “Pressure creates diamonds”,’ I said, picturing it in my mind. ‘That’s messed up. They haven’t got the same poster in the gents and I know that for a fact because I went in once when I was bursting and the only thing in there is a picture of Denise Van Outen ripped out of an issue ofNutsmagazine that is probably old enough to vote. But that’s beside the point, which is, why are we celebrating treating women like bits of rock? I don’t want to be pressured into being the hardest substance on earth, Dad, I want to be happy.’
‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this,’ he said to no one in particular, picking up his fork, putting it down then picking it up again. ‘She wants to be happy? Jesus wept.’
Manny reached over and plucked the fork out of his hand, passing it through the serving hatch to my mother. ‘You’ll be telling me they’ve got a live, laugh, love poster in the staff room next.’
‘It’s a law firm, Manny,’ I replied. ‘All three of those things are forbidden on company time.’
‘I’m not talking about the bloody poster!’ Dad roared. Everyone fell silent and in the kitchen, I heard a sharp smash as Mum dropped something breakable on the floor. Dad had never raised his voice to me my whole life. Manny? A million times and he’d definitely had stern words with Cerys a few times when she was a teenager, but me? Not once. I’d never given him a reason until now. ‘You are not giving up that job. Do you know how difficult it is to even get your foot in the door at a firm like that?’
‘Yes, I do,’ I replied. ‘Because I did it.’
‘Then what on earth is wrong with you?’ The atmosphere in the dining room darkened faster than the sky outside. ‘I would have done anything for an opportunity like this and you’re going to throw it away because you want to be happy?’
On a different day, it would have worked. The thought of upsetting my dad and leaving my job, abandoning a career I’d worked so hard for would have terrified me into taking it all back, but here at the table, trapped in my little time cocoon, it wasn’t scary at all. Why would I escape one never-ending loop then willingly walk back into another one? I was just as trapped in that job as I was trapped in this never-ending Christmas.
‘I do understand why you’re upset, but Dad …’ I paused, reminding myself this would all be over as soonas I fell asleep, blew myself up or fell down a steep flight of stairs. ‘I’m not you.’
The colour of my father’s face changed in splotches, turning from white to red like a Global Hypercolor t-shirt.
‘You’re going to waste ten years?’ he asked, slapping his hand on the table. ‘Throw away your career because you want to be happy? Do you think your Grandad Collins was happy down the pit? Do you think I was always happy in my job? Is Cerys happy? Is Manny happy? You’re living in a dream world, Gwen. You’re throwing everything away.’
‘I am quite happy,’ Manny replied. ‘Not about everything, but—’
‘No, you’re not,’ Dad interrupted and Manny’s lips disappeared into a long thin line.
‘Better to throw away ten years than waste a whole life,’ I replied, searching for the strength to keep talking and finding it in a squeeze from Manny’s hand underneath the table. ‘I want to be glad to wake up in the morning, there isn’t a time limit on that. If Mum wanted to jack in teaching and start a new career right now, she could. Nan too for that matter.’
‘Good luck with that,’ Nan replied with a cluck. ‘You’re not sending me out to work at my age. What would I do? Take tickets at the bingo? I’d rather you put me out of my misery.’
‘What I mean is, it’s never too late to make changes. Big ones, little ones, in-between ones. No one should stay in an unhappy situation if they don’t want to.’
Dad didn’t say anything but to everyone’s surprise, Cerys did.
‘Thing is, Dad,’ she said, looking right at me. ‘Gwen is right.’
You could have knocked me off my chair with a piece of tinsel.
‘If she’s going to change careers, she should do it now. It only gets more difficult for women as they get older and once you’ve got a family, it’s practically impossible. But men do it all the time, don’t they? At any age. I don’t think she’s throwing anything away, I think it’s actually very brave.’
If I wasn’t close to tears before, I was now. Cerys was actually standing up for me?
‘That said, don’t come crying to me when you’re homeless in six months because we all know how shit you are with money,’ she added. ‘You’re not coming to live with me.’
That was more like it.