This was something else I’d learned over the last few days, I realized. Know when to say you’re sorry.
‘That was entirely my fault,’ I said, shuffling further away from him. ‘I stopped replying to your emails because I was jealous.’
He opened his eyes and lifted his head.
‘You were jealous? Of what?’
‘Your girlfriend,’ I replied. ‘I was insanely jealous because you had a girlfriend.’
Something that was all the more difficult to admit given it was as true today as it was then. It was undeniable. My crush on Dev Jones was officially back and bigger than ever. He brushed the hair out of his eyes, moistened his lips then leaned forwards towards me.
‘You do know I had a massive crush on you when we were kids, don’t you?’ he said.
‘You did not!’ I pulled back my arm and sent a giant splash in his direction only just missing our clothes on the sun lounger. ‘That is mean, Devendra Jones, you shouldn’t joke about things like that.’
‘But I did!’ he protested, laughing as he wiped his face with one hand and defended himself from a second attack with the other. ‘From the first moment I saw you. I bet you don’t remember, it was the day we moved in and you were playing football with Manny in the front garden and I saw you and it was instant,pow, look ather. Then he whacked you right in the face with the football and you screamed so loudly I thought the world was ending. I went inside to get help but when I came back out, you were gone. That was it, I was totally smitten.’
‘You’re so full of it,’ I said, covering my face with my hands. ‘You did not have a crush on me.’
‘Did too, for years,’ he argued, beaming from ear to ear. ‘I remember when I was seventeen, I used to lie inbed at night listening to “Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon, thinking about you.’ His smile faltered for a second as my eyes bulged out of my head. ‘I don’t think I really understood what the song was about to be honest.’
‘At least it wasn’t “She Bangs” by Ricky Martin,’ I replied, and he laughed.
‘I used to put my hand on the wall and pretend you were doing the same thing on the other side,’ Dev shook his head as I cackled happily. ‘What an idiot.’
‘Our houses aren’t attached,’ I pointed out, almost hysterical. ‘How was that going to work?’
‘I don’t know, I was a very emo teenager.’ He moved slightly, blocking the lamp behind him and the hot tub was plunged into darkness for a moment. ‘It’s not like you were lying awake on the other side of the wall thinking about me anyway.’
‘Well that, Dev Jones, is where you are wrong,’ I replied, my laughter bubbling away until all that was left was a smile I doubted would ever leave my face. ‘And I still don’t believe you because I had the biggest crush on you that anyone has ever had on anyone. Including Manny’s crush on Justin Timberlake which was so intense, he bleached his hair during fresher’s week and wore nothing but double denim for six months.’
We sat quietly for a moment and I could hear him breathing over the sound of the bubbles. Under the water, his toes brushed against mine and neither of us moved away.
‘You really had a crush on me?’ he asked, no trace of a smile left on his face.
‘Yes,’ I replied, breathless. ‘I really did.’
‘And I had a crush on you.’
‘Allegedly.’
‘Nothing alleged about it. Why do you think I was always hanging around with you and Manny?’
‘Because you moved here when you were thirteen and you didn’t know anyone in the village and didn’t have any friends?’
‘Yes, OK, that is true,’ he admitted. ‘But other than that it was because I spent every third minute of every single day wondering what it would be like to kiss the girl next door.’
I swallowed hard as he moved across the hot tub, the water up to his waist, and stopped right in front of me. He moved slowly, raising his hand to sweep a single strand of hair away from my forehead, just the very tips of his fingers touching my skin.
‘And now,’ he whispered, inching closer, ‘here we are.’
‘Here we are,’ I whispered back, alive and electric. All I had to do was reach out. All I had to do was touch him. Never in my life had I wanted anything more than this moment, I’d imagined it so many times, fantasized about it, dreamed about it and now we were here, not even a heartbeat away from a kiss. But in all those dreams and fantasies, Dev was mine and mine alone. He didn’t belong to someone else.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t,’ I said, clasping my hand around his and sadly pushing it away. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, even if I was the only one who would remember it. Dev pulled back, the muscle in his jaw ticking as he gritted his teeth and retreated to the other side of the hot tub. He stared at the palm tree in the corner until the clouds that covered his face began to clear.
‘Because you have a boyfriend.’
‘What? No!’ I exclaimed. ‘Because you have a fiancée!’