‘If I leave, the last ten years have been for nothing,’ I said as Dev followed me into the deep end. ‘I’m worried I might have wasted an awful lot of life.’
‘There’s still a fair bit of it in front of you,’ he replied. ‘You can’t stay in a situation when it isn’t right because you’ve put the time in, trust me.’
‘Maybe.’ I was treading water and dangerously close to being out of my depth. ‘If I left, my dad would be so disappointed in me.’
I felt traitorous to say it out loud to another person but, at the same time, I was relieved.
‘So?’ Dev said simply. ‘It’s not your dad’s life, it’s yours.’
The idea took me by such surprise, my feet forgot to find the bottom of the pool and I disappeared under the water. So much of our lives were propped up by other people’s expectations – parents, partners, teachers, bosses – but what were my expectations of myself? When I looked for them, all I found was a great big gaping hole. Between trying to live up to my sister’s example and my dad’s ambitions I’d forgotten to have dreams of my own. All this time I’d been following someone else’s plan and the world had cleverly convinced me I’d made it for myself.
And to think, I was supposed to be the clever one.
For the first time since I walked through the office door, I allowed myself to imagine jumping instead of being pushed. It felt like freedom.
‘If I left Abbott & Howe,’ I said quietly, my voice was a pencil not quite ready to write it down in pen. ‘Who would I be? What would I do?’
‘You?’ He shook his head as though he couldn’t believe I didn’t already know the answer. ‘Gwen, you could do anything.’
It was like I’d been living my life inside a tunnel. A long dark tunnel with a speck of light at the end and nothing else but pitch-black darkness all around me. Without notice, I’d been thrust out into the light and I was surrounded by endless possibilities that had been there all along. How had I never noticed them before?
‘I could do anything,’ I repeated slowly, waiting for the words to sink in. ‘But what exactly?’
‘I don’t know, you could be a writer?’ Dev replied, his beautiful brown skin glowing golden in the half-light ofthe pool. ‘Or an astronaut. Goat farmer. Marine biologist. Plasterer. Croupier. Chef.’
So he reallydidn’tremember our other Christmases.
‘Librarian. Podcast host. Engineer. Make-up artist. An alien onStar Trek. A motorbike courier. An international super spy. I would back you at anything you chose to do with one exception.’
‘And what’s that?’ I asked.
‘Singer,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Sorry, but if you were planning to be the next Adele, someone had to tell you.’
‘No, that’s fair,’ I replied. ‘Why on earth did they let me play Rizzo in the school play?’
‘It’s been sixteen years and I still ask myself that question all the time,’ he grinned. ‘There arenotworse things you could do.’
I flicked my hand at him, sending a tiny splash in his direction. ‘I can’t believe you remember that when I’ve spent so long trying to forget it.’
He laughed at my look of surprise, his huge dark eyes sparkled, just the way they did when we were kids. He floated towards me, his face inches away from mine.
‘I could fill a library with my memories of you, Gwen Baker,’ he said before pushing off the wall and sailing away down the pool.
‘I’m going in the hot tub,’ Dev yelled as he climbed up the pool steps, boxers clinging to his body in a way that made me wonder how committed to my morals I really was. Where was his fiancée and why was she allowing him to walk around the world unchaperoned when there were vulnerable, horny women out here? I let myflamingo carry me up the pool after him, watching as he fired up the jets and climbed into the hot tub, melting under the bubbles.
‘You’ve got to get in here,’ he called. ‘This thing is incredible.’
‘OK, knickers, don’t let me down,’ I whispered as I let all the water out of my submerged bloomers and climbed the steps, one hand on the railing and one on the elastic. The shock of the cooler air put a skip in my step and I clambered over the side as quickly as possible. Was my entrance elegant? No. Was the hot tub pure, unadulterated, red-hot bubbly bliss? Abso-bloody-lutely.
‘This is going to sound really weird,’ Dev said, closing his eyes and stretching out across the circular tub. I mentally traced the slope of his shoulders, the wiry definition of his upper arms, relieved his spectacular forearms were under water and out of sight, and pulled my knees into my chest, huddled in a ball to stop our toes from touching. No good could come of physical contact.
‘What is?’ I asked, carefully keeping my hands, feet and every other body part to myself.
‘It’s got to be ten years since we last had a proper conversation, hasn’t it.’ He slowly rolled his head from side to side, pressing his neck against the hot jets. ‘So why does it feel like I just saw you yesterday?’
‘Not yesterday,’ I smiled. ‘More like three days ago.’
‘Ha-ha,’ he replied as though I was joking. ‘I’m serious, it’s like picking up right where we left off. I can’t believe we ever lost touch.’