‘He’s not exactly living his best life,’ Dev agreed beforelifting his chin to give me a questioning look. ‘So what brings Gwen Baker down to the swings at the bottom of the garden on Christmas Day?’
‘I was looking for Manny,’ I explained, waving an arm around at absolutely nothing. ‘Cerys and her husband were being awful and he stormed out. I thought he might be hiding down here.’
‘Cerys was being awful?’ A dimple I’d spent my entire adolescence dreaming about appeared in Dev’s left cheek when he smiled. ‘Did we just travel back in time twenty years?’
‘Some things never change.’ I laughed and tossed my hair seductively over my shoulder only to snag it on a tree branch behind me and almost rip it out at the roots as soon as I started to swing.
‘So, how are you?’ I asked as I attempted to casually untangle my hair without crying. ‘How’s things?’
‘All good,’ he said. Brief and to the point, classic Dev. ‘You?’
‘Oh, you know,’ I replied, desperately trying to come up with a version of my life that sounded exciting and glamorous and Not Shit. ‘There’s so much going on, I don’t know where to start.’
We exchanged tense smiles and I was still searching for the right thing to say when Dev let out an awkward laugh.
‘I’m going to say it, this is weird.’
‘But nice weird,’ I agreed, echoing his laugh. ‘It’s been a long time.’
After our less than auspicious first meeting, Dev quickly became mine and Manny’s third musketeer and I tried to nurse my crush with quiet dignity. Except for the time I sobbed myself to sleep after Dev got off with another girlat the village Halloween disco. And the Christmas disco. And the Easter disco. All the discos basically; Dev was much more popular than I ever was. Even though he went to a different school to me and Manny (a private school which meant he endured years of merciless mocking from the pair of us), we always spent our holidays and weekends together until we went our separate ways for university, me and Manny heading down to London and Dev vanishing up to Edinburgh. For years, I’d worked on a plan to get him to fall for me, somehow convincing myself I’d go off to uni and return home after the first semester, sexy and sophisticated, and Dev would finally see the real me and fall hopelessly in love. But no. I came home alone with a dodgy head of DIY highlights and Dev stayed in Scotland with his new girlfriend. His emails petered off from every day to every week to once a month, and after longer than I would have liked, I finally got a boyfriend of my own and Dev went from being the sole reason for my existence to someone I used to know.
It was altogether too easy to lose touch with even the most important people when you had almost every choice you would ever make still in front of you.
‘Mum told me you’re at some big law firm now, in London?’ He looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. ‘That’s exciting, tell me everything.’
‘More or less exciting than being a Harley Street surgeon?’ I replied, my eyes flashing with genuine awe as I dodged his request. ‘Tell me, do doctors really shag in supply cupboards all the time or have I watched too muchGrey’s Anatomy?’
‘All I can say is I’ve never shagged in a supply cupboard,’ he said, laughing again. It was nice to hear after themorning I’d had. ‘But never say never. And I’m not on Harley Street. I moved to the Royal Papworth, in Cambridge in August. Would you believe I’m a cardiologist?’
‘No offence but, no, not really. I mean, you think of cardiologists as being older, don’t you?’
‘I’ve terrible news for you,’ he leaned in towards me and lowered his voice. ‘We are older.’
‘Wash your mouth out,’ I replied with a grin. ‘Seriously though, that’s amazing, it must be so rewarding.’
‘It is,’ he said with a self-effacing half-smile. ‘I know it’s unbearably cheesy but I feel like I’m making a difference.’
I nodded solemnly.
‘And you get to hold people’s beating hearts in your hand like inIndiana Jones.’
‘Sometimes, but it is frowned upon to do the chant during surgery.’
‘Bloody NHS,’ I sighed. ‘You can’t have any fun anymore.’
‘Total killjoys,’ Dev agreed. ‘No sense of humour.’
A sense of ease curled around me as I rocked back and forth, the quiet, calm afternoon smoothing out any bumps in our long-lost friendship.
‘Your fella’s a doctor as well, isn’t he? Or a dentist?’ He tucked his hands into his trouser pockets, clearing his throat when he saw he’d caught me off guard. ‘Mum mentioned it,’ he clarified. ‘I haven’t been stalking you or anything.’
And just like that, the ghost of my Christmas past rudely butted in to ruin my Christmas present. The mood between us soured and I knew I couldn’t sit there for another second.
‘It’s been nice to catch up but I should get back inside,’ I said, standing abruptly and handing him his coat. ‘It was good to see you, have a nice Christmas.’
‘Good to see you too,’ Dev replied. ‘Merry Christmas, Gwen.’
He looked more than a little confused as I dashed back up the garden, leaving him alone on the swings. My heart sank into my slippers with every step and the tears I’d been fighting off came back with a vengeance, sliding down my face. I’d always lived a life according to my own choices, I thought sadly as I passed the rhododendrons again and the house came back into view. So why couldn’t I move on? Why couldn’t I choose to leave Michael in the past?