“She insulted you, Laina.” I remind her as she sits in silence for a moment.
“She kind of didn’t. I understand that she’s not my biggest fan, but I would have left so you can talk. I don’t want your family to fall apart over me.” Laina assures me as I run a hand through my hair. “That wasn’t my plan. I just wanted her to back off a little with you.”
“This is my mom and how she is. She’s been in control of everything for years, Laina. I got a taste of something better when I met you and your family, and she controlled that by moving us away. Seeing you again was like seeing the world as a different place for me.” How can I make her see that I’m happier this way?
“What if they take the job away? Surely your father has shares in the company and still has a say in it. He’s too smart not to do that.” There’s panic in her voice and I wonder if she’s worried about the money for the first time since I’ve seen her again.
“He might. I don’t know. I’m beginning to wonder if it even matters, Laina. I worked hard to get here but if they think they can take that all away over something like this, is it worth it? They have made every decision for me for years.”
Part of me doesn’t really care at this point because pulling me would be a poor decision for the company. I know it inside and out. If he does, I have money set aside that we can live off besides what I’ve already earned. My mind races to justify that everything will be fine.
“You’re willing to throw this all away for me? We did this to get your mom off your back, not break down the entire family. I don’t know about this.” She paces and I watch her with wide eyes. “It’s not even a real engagement. What are you doing?”
“I’m happy with you here, Laina. Don’t you see that?”
“I have an expiration date, Kyle. I just don’t know when it is and now that your family hates me, I feel you will resent me down the line.” She runs her hand through her hair the way she did as a child when she was younger. “Maybe we jumped into this.”
“What are you saying?” I growl as she jumps and looks at me. “Don’t let her get into your head, Laina.”
“I’m not. I just don’t want you to lose your family. They’re the only family you have. You say how much you appreciate mine, but if I have an expiration date, don’t they as well? You don’t get to keep this life. We’re not together.” Laina keeps saying that, and it’s killing me inside.
“Laina, let’s talk about this,” I suggest, feeling the peaceful weekend fading away.
“I think I’m going to pack some clothes and stay at the apartment for a while, Kyle. This is a lot and I need space. I need time to think this through.”
“What? You’ve been here a week.”
“I know, but I probably should have thought this through a lot more. We’ve been living in this bubble and there’s a reality out there we need to take a close look at.” Laina walks into the bedroom, and I follow, watching her pull down a suitcase. She takes enough clothes to get her through a few days and throws them into the bag before running into the bathroom to dump more items into the bag.
“What happens to us now?” I ask as I look at the ring on her finger. I picked that out with her in mind more than she’ll ever know.
“I’m done. I’m not going to talk about this with anyone, Kyle. Your secret is safe for now.” Laina snaps, zipping her suitcase.
I try to get her to talk to me as she packs but Laina makes her way to the front door.
“I’ll be back for my stuff later, Kyle.” Laina looks at me for a moment and looks away sharply before leaving.
“What the fuck just happened?” I ask myself, trying to make sense of what happened this morning.
I sit on the couch, thinking about the week we lived together. Even though I hid the fact that I wanted more with Laina, I loved it.
Imagining life without her hurts more than I could ever imagine, and I feel the pain of losing her all over again. When I moved from Boston, it felt like I was missing a part of my heart even though we were young.
Now it feels like I’m missing a part of my soul. I don’t even give a shit if she hides this from anyone. I just want her back. Fuck my family and the media. I need to live for myself, but after everything, I might never get her back.
It’s hard not to reach out to Laina, but I know she needs her space. When I go to bed alone that night, I miss us. The room still smells like her, and I hug her pillow to my face, breathing it in.
I never thought I’d feel love like this in my life.
I wake up in the morning knowing I must fix this. I alert my managers that I’m taking a couple of days off for personal business, which I never do. My father would consider nothing but work important, and I don’t know how Mom felt good about that. I need to make Laina know she’s my priority.
I schedule lunch with my parents tomorrow, knowing we need to have a long talk. If they’re not willing to put my happiness first, I’ll be doing this on my own.
19
Falling Apart
Laina