Elliot died on the last day of November. Nobody remembered to call the decorator and cancel. I came back from the hospital, my heart aching, and I stepped into a Christmas tableau. Yulia’s theme that year had been a winter bazaar. Decorations overflowed everywhere. I walked into the condo and looked around at the bright colors, at the thousand little details that formed her vision, and I wanted to throw up.
My mother had grudgingly invited me to Christmas that year. Part of me wanted to go, but I knew what I’d hear. My mother would rehash old arguments.He was too old for you,she would say.What did you think would happen? If it wasn’t cancer, it would have been something else. You should have found someone your own age.My father would have grunted in agreement, never taking his eyes off the TV.
I’d declined her invitation and stayed in Manhattan, and I’d never felt more alone.
That loneliness pales compared to the way I feel now. I haven’t heard from Theo and Shane all day. They’ve probably given up on me, and I don’t blame them. Or they’re busy with their families. At least, Theo will be. He told me that his sister gave birth in October. It’s going to be Baby Olivia’s first Christmas.
That first Christmas after Elliot died, I didn't want to go to my parents because my mother would have been wrong. Even in my grief-stricken state, I knew that Elliott had been worth it. It was better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
When did that change? When did I lose that certainty?
I trail my fingers over the leather of the spanking bench. I remember every sensation from this room. Every touch. I'm prepared for a wave of grief to wash over me, but it doesn't come.
Instead, I feel Elliott's presence. It's not the man ravaged by cancer. It's my Dom again, and he's staring at me, steel in his eyes.Kitten,he says.This is unacceptable. Enough hiding. Life is precious and fleeting, and I expect you to get on with it.
The shrill ring of my phone jerks me from my reverie. Xavier's number flashes on the display. I thought he was in Thailand. With a frown, I pick up. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you supposed to be in Bangkok?”
“Nothing is wrong,” he replies. “And no, I'm not in Bangkok. I am downstairs, double-parked outside your building.”
“What? Why?”
“Because it’s Christmas Eve, and you shouldn't be alone. I called you yesterday, and you swiped me to voicemail. I had to take matters into my own hands. Grab a change of clothes and come on down.”
I blink. “Umm, what?”
“Christmas party at the castle,” he says. “Oh, and Layla's here.”
“What?” I yelp. Layla is Xavier's long-lost love. If she's here. . . “Is this a good thing?”
“It’s a very good thing.” Somebody honks behind Xavier, and he mutters a curse under his breath. “Addie, for fuck’s sake. Hurry up.”
Xavier’s offer is a vast improvement over staying in my highly decorated condo and ordering Chinese takeout. It would be brilliant to see Layla again. “I don’t want to get in the middle of your reunion.”
“You won’t,” he says, his voice impatient. “I told you, it’s a party. There are a dozen people there. Julian, Maggie, Anton, Ellie, and Alexander—”
Stop hiding, kitten.“I'll be down in five.”
I slideinto the passenger seat. We get underway. Once we're on the highway, Xavier gives me a sidelong glance. “Have you heard from Theo and Shane?” he asks, his voice casual.
Xavier is as curious as a cat. It's tempting to thwart his obvious desire to know what happened between the three of us, but if there is anyone that will help me make sense of the situation, it's my friend. “They've been sending me Advent presents.”
“Huh?”
“Do you know what an Advent calendar is?” He nods. “Well, there was an Advent calendar at Taco Gus, and I commented on it. They noticed. They've been sending me presents every day, twenty-four in total. The last one arrived this morning.” A gloriously soft, green cashmere sweater.
“And?”
“They wanted to see me again. I said no.”
“Why?”
I sigh. “Come on, Xavier. Can you imagine what the tabloids would say? Besides, they live in the UK, and I live here.”
“You're a writer,” he points out. “You can work from anywhere. How is your book going, by the way?”
I grimace. “Terrible.” I wrote well when Theo and Shane were here, but I've been blocked since they've been gone.
“Hmm.”