Once they were settled in Sophia’s pretty receiving room, Olivia leaned forward. “Sophia, I know that you never speak of your past. But I am struggling with something, and I wondered if I could ask you a question?”
Sophia raised her eyebrows. “I suppose so. What is it you would like to know?”
“Have you been happy as a widow? I mean, I have known you now for almost two years. Are you satisfied being on your own, or do you wish to have another husband?”
“Well, I would say I am satisfied being on my own. I do not wish to be under the thumb of a husband again.” She sighed. “The reason I do not speak of my late husband is because he was quite controlling and cruel. I am happy to be rid of him. This time in England has been a balm to my soul. Time to do as I please, to read, make friends with whom I want.” Sophia leaned forward. “You needn’t be alone. There are opportunities for intimacy without commitment. Men are mercurial creatures that don’t like to be tied down. It is just a matter of finding a discreet partner.”
Heat rose in Olivia’s cheeks. “But what if your partner wants more of you than you are willing to give?”
“Who are we speaking about? Let us be frank,” Sophia asked.
There was a soft knock at the door, and Sophia’s housekeeper Mrs. Kelly came in with the tea cart. Olivia was thankful to have a moment to collect her thoughts. She didn’t even know really what she was asking, just that Sophia might be the only one of her friends who could understand her reluctance to let herself fall in love again. Charlotte and Ellie were happily in love with their husbands and sure to encourage her to give in and follow her heart.
“I am speaking about Maxwell Drake, my late husband’s heir. You see, we have a history together. We were in love when we were young. But he left to Paris for a job, and well, things didn’t work out.”
“But now you have taken him as a lover?” Sophia asked.
“Yes.” Olivia put her hands to her cheeks. “But at every turn, he wishes for more. He is so sure of his feelings for me, and it is very attractive but also scary. I told him about wanting to buy the bookstore from Mr. Buxley and have a house in here in town, and he seemed to take it as a personal affront. But what is wrong with me wanting to have something for myself that is separate from Belhaven? Something just in case?”
Sophia poured tea for them both. She took a sip of hers before replying. “Nothing, if the reason is that you wish to live independently. In fact, you are welcome to stay here with me and share in the expenses for as long as you need to find your own place. But this fear that you speak of, is it because you love this man, but you wish not to?”
Was it? Did she love Max? Had he slipped into her heart despite her well-constructed walls? Or had her love for him always been there like a daffodil bulb waiting dormant until spring? She nodded. “Yes, exactly that.”
“I do not have any experience with love. My marriage was arranged, and there was no love in any part, only possession, only control. So perhaps I am the wrong person to give my opinion. But I do know that love is not an everyday occurrence. That it is something special, only you can decide whether it is worth the risk.”
*
Olivia spent apleasant afternoon at the bookshop. She took pleasure in seeing customers come into read the paper or ask her for recommendations for gifts. She was learning that the stationary was the most popular item in the store. She would need to reorder soon. It may not be bustling with activity, like the tea shop next door, nor be essential as the butcher shop across the street, but she enjoyed the quiet of the place.
On her way home, she thought a lot about Sophia’s wise words. There was nothing wrong with wanting her independence. She hadn’t had many choices in her life. She always felt left behind, struggling to start over without the people she loved. Max had a new life to start as Rivenhall, he would be in London participating in politics, socializing, and bringing his sisters out into society. He would soon leave her behind again. But this time, she would be prepared. She would have her own plans. It was a sensible decision.
She snapped the reins, and the horses made the turn to Belhaven with smooth synchronistic motions. They were quickly becoming excellent carriage horses. The pretty mares high stepped through the snow, their matching black manes flowing in the wind. She pulled into the drive. Her tiger jumped down from his perch on the backbench and took the reins. “Thank you, Jimmy. Please tell Mr. Jackson that his hard work training these two is paying off beautifully. They are very well behaved these days.”
“I will, milady.” Jimmy hopped into the driver seat and led the sleigh across to the stables. Olivia started up the stairs, her thoughts still on Max. He would just have to understand her position. She would go find him before dinner and be honest about her intentions. She needn’t involve her heart.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Good evening, LordRivenhall.”
Max swiveled around and the glass of brandy in his hand sloshed. Olivia stood in the doorway to the drawing room cool and elegant in a dark pink gown. He bowed and returned her formal greeting. “Good evening, Lady Rivenhall. You gave me a start.”
“I can see that. What is the matter?”
“Nothing. Why?” He dropped his gaze to his drink.
She crossed the room toward him. “You pace when you are working out something in that head of yours.”
Max drained his glass. “No, nothing to work out. Just having a drink before dinner.” Lord, how was he to get through this evening? The urge to blurt out all that transpired today was strong. He walked over to the cabinet that held the liquor and poured himself another two fingers. He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Anything for you? A sherry?”
She nodded.
He poured her a glass and took a calming breath before returning to her side. She took a sip of her wine and tilted her head to look up at him. “This is the second time today I have come upon you in a strange mood. Are you sure there is nothing the matter?”
He shook his head.
“Because I wanted to speak to you about our conversation this morning.”
This morning seemed like a hundred years ago. Everything had shifted, what he knew about the past, his future. “We don’t have to. Everything is fine. We are fine.” He leaned his elbow on the edge of the mantel in an attempt to appear relaxed.