She nodded her head “Yes.” And then she leaned against him, cradled in his arms and the tears, so long held back, flowed against his chest, while he cradled her head and kissed her hair and murmured soothing words.
It had takena long while for Ela to cry herself out. And Xander hadn’t moved until she’d finished. He didn’t want to break the spell, because it felt like a healing spell and he instinctively knew that it was what she needed.
But now, as Xander lay listening to the old grandfather clock in the library strike one, with Ela nestled in his arms asleep, like a delicate, damaged bird, he knew three things.
One, there was little he could do about his erection without waking her and that he wouldn’t do.
Two, something had healed for Ela tonight.
Three, watching Ela heal had shattered the seal he’d set over his emotions. It had awoken something deep inside of him which scared him to death.
Xander awokethe next morning to an empty bed and a bad mood. He could deal with his physical arousal in a time-honored way, but he knew it wouldn’t satisfy him.
Ela. Something might have healed for Ela last night, but it had opened a can of worms for him.
He swung his legs off the bed, pushed his fingers through hair which didn’t need to be pushed off his face and rose with purposeful steps, pulled on his shorts, and made for the gym. If he couldn’t have a woman then he’d have to sweat it out another way.
But even after a workout, a cold shower and a meeting with his advisors his mood was still black. He found himself on a video call to the only other person in the world who would understand.
“Xander,” said Roshan, leaning in to adjust his settings before sitting down, his forearms on his thighs as he sat alert and looking directly at Xander, as if to assess his mood. “What’s up?”
“Ela is what’s up.”
Roshan sighed, shook his head and sat back in his chair. “What’s happened now?”
Xander opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t continue. What was he going to say? He felt sorry for her? She was more than he’d imagined? “She’s just… demanding too much of me.”
“Of course she is. That’s just her. Just ignore it.”
“It’s hard when it’s…” He trailed off. How could he describe what had happened last night?
“It’s what?”
“When it’s kind of personal… I guess,” he added lamely.
Roshan leaned forward, and Xander didn’t like the spark of interest which lit his eye. “Personal, eh? Don’t tell me you’ve succumbed to Elaheh’s charms.”
Xander grunted but couldn’t deny Roshan’s statement. He never lied to his brother—from the early days after they’d lost their parents they’d made a pact to always be honest with each other. “She’s beautiful, I’ll give you that, and every now and then I catch a glimpse of the woman who exists behind that stroppy mask. But the bottom line is she’s driving me mad.” Xander hoped that by diverting Roshan from his statement he’d avoid it. But the look on Roshan’s face indicated the opposite.
Roshan nodded. “I see.”
Xander scowled.
Roshan pressed his lips together and shook his head. “It was fifteen years ago, Xander. You’ve got to move on.”
Xander felt his anger crumble away and tears prick his eyes as Roshan dove straight to the heart of the issue. He licked his lips and tried to speak but no words came out. He blinked instead.
“Selya was my friend, Roshan. More than my friend. We were always meant for each other. She was the only girl I ever loved, the only girl for me. I still…” He petered out, unable to express how he still lived daily with the feeling that there was a hole in the place where his heart should have been. His heart, that had been gouged out of his body, and tossed aside for the desert sun and crows to eat the day that his love had been killed before his eyes, alongside his parents. Even now he unconsciously rubbed his hand where her blood had splattered.
“I know, Xander, but you can’t live in the past.”
“It’s not the past to me.”
“It has to be. Unless you leave it behind, you will have no future. Xander, listen to me, you can do it.”
“It’s hard, Roshan.Sohard.”
“I know. You were always the soft one, always the tender, the sensitive, the vulnerable. And it seems your love for Selya was planted deep at an early age. I understand that. But you still have a loving heart.”