“I’ve never kissed a man before, you see. Never been held tenderly by a man.” A look that she’d have described as disappointment flickered across his features. This was Xander, she reminded herself. She cleared her throat. “I simply wanted to know what it was like.”
His grunt of surprise traveled through her body, in the same way his heartbeat did, filling her with himself, and creating patterns of feeling in her body which were entirely new.
“And what was it like?” His voice was a shade lower now.
She looked up at him. “It was … nice.”
“And do you know what else is nice?” She shook her head. “A kiss on the lips,” he continued. “Would you like to try that?”
She was mute. She couldn’t conjure up any words, even if she wanted to. And words were the last thing on her mind at that moment. She nodded. There was no other honest answer she could give.
His beautiful lips, quirking lightly at the corner, was the last thing she saw before they pressed to hers, and everything changed. The first thing she felt was a devastating, but not unwelcome, invasion of her privacy as the heat of his breath and his lips enveloped hers. To begin with their touch was tentative, but as she suddenly found her hands had slid around to his back, bringing him closer to her, the kiss became more intense. She felt him groan into her mouth which immediately sparked a feeling inside of her which threatened to derail her senses.
She could hear quickened breathing and was vaguely surprised to realize that it was her own. His hands were tight around her now too, and when she felt his tongue touch hers her response went off the scale. She pressed her body against his, in a purely intuitive, purely animal, reaction. All she knew was that she needed that hard chest pressed against her, those arms wrapped around her, so she could become one with him. She found herself doing things she didn’t know she could do, and didn’t know she wanted to do, rising against him. She felt a growing hardness press into her stomach.
Eventually he pulled away, dragging himself as if he’d been drugged and the sluggish chemical was fighting his willpower. “Ela!” He swore softly under his breath.
Once more, she raised herself on tiptoes to try to encourage him to kiss her again. But he made no movement to claim her lips again. She put her hands behind his head and pulled him to her, trying to command, trying to use all her willpower to get what she wanted from this stubborn man. But still he did not yield.
“Kiss me again, Xander, Iwantyou to kiss me again.”
“No, Ela, it’s not possible.”
She shook her head. “You’re wrong, itispossible, of course it is, you just kissed me. I want you to kiss me like that again.”
“That,” he said, sweeping his thumbs over her cheeks as he held her face between his hands, “is not a good idea. I kissed you once because you’ve never been kissed.”
She felt shocked and deflated. “You only kissed me because you felt sorry for me?”
Again that slight quirk of the lips. “No way, Ela. I kissed you because I wanted to, and also because I wanted you to know what it was like. One kiss is one thing, the second kiss is an entirely different matter.”
“Maybe I want that different matter.”
“And so, maybe, do I. But it’s not going to happen. You are here because you trust me. And pretty soon you will cease to trust me if I kiss you again.”
She shook her head. She couldn’t imagine not trusting him. “Iwantyou to kiss me.” She could hear her imperious tone returning, and she didn’t like it.
He reacted instantly to it, and stepped away. His hands gripped her shoulders as before, but this time he didn’t do it to make her trust him, he did it to hold her away from him.
“I repeat, Ela,” he said, “this is not going to happen. Now, let me show you where you are going to sleep.” He led her to a bedroom that was obviously personal, obviously male. She looked up at him as the confusion of lust slowly faded and comprehension dawned. “But this is your room, surely?”
He released her and stepped away. “It’s yours now, for as long as you want it.” He indicated an interconnecting door. I’ll sleep in the dressing room for now. Nobody comes to these rooms unless I ask them to.” He gave a small smile. “They will simply assume I’m reverting to the slobbish student ways I had as a boy. You are safe here, Ela. You are safe from others and you are safe with me.”
“But you didn’t kiss me again as I asked.” She couldn’t bear to look him in the eye any more to see his derision.
“Ela, don’t you understand? I couldn’t trust myself. One thing could lead to another and your virginity isn’t a thing to be taken lightly.”
His words were like an icy dousing of cold water on a hot day. She gasped as the shock blew away the last remaining traces of arousal, and confronted her head-on with her reality. She felt a blast of anger—at her past, at what had happened to her and at Xander’s assumption.
“I am not a virgin, Xander. Not. A. Virgin.” She practically spat out the last words through rigid lips, which had forgotten the kiss.
His eyes widened with shock and, she realized, understanding. “And, yet, you say you’ve never kissed anyone.”
She was silent in horror. She’d allowed her anger to overwhelm her and to reveal her secret, her inner shame. She swallowed and shook her head, as her mind raced to try to withdraw the words she’d uttered, to form words which would erase them.
“I…” She felt tears spring to her eyes. She swiped at them and twisted away from him. She couldn’t let him see. “I… I’m tired,” she whispered in a croaky voice.
He was silent for a few moments, waiting for her to speak, but she couldn’t. There were only the dots to be connected to form a truth which she refused to voice.