She shook and his hold on her firmed.
‘I’ve always thought the worst moment of my life was when I was trapped in that car. When I tried to call out, silently screaming as someone I loved slipped away. It was awful. Had it even happened at all?’ His body tensed. ‘I couldn’t trust anyone. Couldn’t trust myself—my own judgement. I built barriers and defences. I never wanted to feel loss the way I did back then...’ He lifted a hand and caressed her cheek. ‘I lost everyone.’
She nodded. She knew. It was horrendously sad for him.
‘I didn’t stop to consider that it was happening again. That I wasn’t just allowing it but actively letting...’ He shrugged. ‘I’m not used to speaking about personal things. About how I feel. But I have to. I need to work on it. It isn’t fair otherwise. Not on you, not on our child.’ He slowly swept his hand down to her belly. ‘I can’t expect you to be a mind-reader, that’s not fair of me. I have tospeak. I have to say something—the truth about how I feel—to stop myself from losing the most precious thing to me now.’
‘You’re not going to lose the baby. I won’t leave. I won’t take it away from you.’
Somehow he was closer still.
‘I’m not talking about the baby. I’m talking aboutyou...’ he breathed. ‘You told me you love me.’
‘Yes.’ She wasn’t going to deny it.
He paused. That fallen angel frown lifted—just for a moment—and he was so handsome, her heart broke.
‘I’m scared, Violet. The thought of having you—both of you—but then losing you would be the worst, the absolute worst thing. Because having you in my life is the best thing. So good that I...’
He trailed off, looked at her and gave a helpless shrug. ‘You’re the most genuine, caring person I’ve met. You’re chatty and kind and beautiful. And when you let yourself fall into my arms, when you chose me, you smiled and told me your secrets and I’ve never had someone look at me, see me, smile at me, the way you do.’ His breath shuddered. ‘You were so trusting.’
‘You mean so naïve.’
‘I meanbrave. You were fearless with me. You opened up, and your warmth?’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve never known such softness. Such laughter and heat. And then I hurt you. I tried to deny what it really was because it terrified me. If I didn’t name it, it wouldn’t become real and then I couldn’t lose it. But I was lying to myself. Because I didn’t just lose it, I pushed it away. I pushedyouaway—’ He broke off. ‘But you realised what you wanted and you fought for it. You told me how you felt and I couldn’t listen. I refused you. I rejected you, and it was such a mistake. I’m sorry.’
‘Roman...’
‘I tried to forget you after Halloween but I couldn’t. I had to come back. And then after that night on Thanksgiving...’ He pulled her closer. ‘Then on the train I tried to contain everything. But it didn’t work. Instead I began to thaw. The past hurt—it still hurts. But the thought of a future without you?’ He shook his head slowly. ‘Whatever days I have here, I want to spend them with you.’
Finally, warmth began to flow through her. ‘And the nights?’
‘In you,’ he said huskily with the smallest of smiles. ‘I want to go to sleep locked in your arms, your body, your heart. I will make love to you every night for the rest of my life.’
And now she was quivering inside. ‘You’d better.’ She clutched him, her hands wide, her heart overflowing. ‘Roman—’
‘I love you. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it before. I love you.’ His head bent as he gazed into her eyes with pure intensity flowing from his. ‘Please let me love you.’
‘Yes, of course.Yes.’ Tears coursed down her cheeks. ‘I missed you. I love you. And you’re not an idiot. You’re strong and kind. You just...need practice at speaking up.’
But there was no talking now. His mouth was on hers and the message was so very clear—everything he’d just said and more.
Her heart soared. ‘Oh, Roman...’
He toyed with the tinsel around her shoulders. ‘You’re my Christmas angel.’
‘You know I’m not,’ she half-chuckled. ‘I was helping remove the decorations. Linda said she always takes them down before you arrive.’
‘Is she here?’ he asked.
‘She and Dennis have gone into the village. They won’t be back for a while and I’m not expecting them to come up to the lodge at all.’
‘Great.’ He breathed fervently. ‘That’s great.’ But he suddenly glanced up at the tree. ‘Maybe we should leave the decorations up a little longer this time.’ He turned back to her. ‘Seeing you here this Christmas Eve was the best and worst night of my life. It was everything. You were everything. Honestly, you freaked me out. Or...my feelings for you freaked me out.’
She smiled softly and put her palm to his cheek.
‘I want a family with you,’ he said. ‘I want to enjoy all of it. I don’t want to shut myself off from life any more. I want the celebration. I want the good stuff too.’
‘So do I.’ She nodded.