If I were a better man, I wouldn’t have these feelings to begin with, and I wouldn’t be finding every excuse to act on them.
I come out of my bedroom just in time to see her disappear into the shower, balancing her soaps and a towel, and I can already tell that’s going to be the hardest part—knowing she’s in there, wet, naked, soaping up in that titillating orchid scent. So close and still utterly off limits.
I busy myself with slicing vegetables and scrambling eggs, putting a pot on, and thinking about my next move, wishing Jonah and Andrew were here.
Joe would never have kissed Maddie, never gotten so far as to undress her and put his hands all over her. He would have devised a plan and gotten them both out of there. There was plenty of time for that and saying otherwise would be a lie.
I kissed Maddie because I wanted to, not because it was necessary. I gave in to my impulsive nature, and I hurt her.
Andrew would have known how to handle the after-effects of that second, almost third base event. One look at Maddie, and he would say the right words, do the right thing to get her calm and talking to him. God knows I could use some of that ability right about now.
Instead, I either block her out completely or reel her in hot and heavy, like some asshole that’s playing with her when she’s most vulnerable.
Maddie walks in, hair damp and face clean of makeup, an appreciative hum resonating from her chest when she inhales. “That smells good,” she says as she takes a seat at the breakfast bar where I set up the spread.
I offer her a genuine smile, and she returns a small one of her own, accepting the coffee I pour her and stacking her plate with toast, slathering it with an obscene amount of butter, and topping it off with eggs and tomatoes, sprinkling salt over it all for the final touch.
“You have the most bizarre eating habits.” Maddie just shrugs, and we resume a semi-comfortable silence as we chew.
Maddie glares at her plate, taking small bites every couple of minutes. Almost like she’s settling into a state of shock or overwhelm.
“Hey.” I lightly touch her arm, not daring to linger the contact, and Maddie lifts her gaze to me. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know, Sawyer,” she huffs, trying to sound snippy, but her eyes are full of fear. “I have a sophisticated killer with endless resources after me, and now I’m stuck living withyou.”
Her words are more painful than they should be, stabbing me deep and hard. “Look, I know we got carried away earlier, and I’m sorry I let it get that far. I wasn’t trying to use you.”
“What? No.” Maddie leans back, clearly offended that I’d think she took our kissthatseriously. “Come on, Sawyer, a little credit. I’m not some delicate flower.”
She abandons what’s left of her heart-attack sandwich and picks up her coffee, moving to the end of the couch, trying to signal discussion over. Deep down, I know this conversation has no place happening outside of my head, that Maddie seeing me as an egotistical asshole playing a part is probably the best thing for her survival.
I can’t let it go, though. She’s driving me crazy, bringing back all these emotions I’ve worked so hard to bury deep inside and ignore. The need to know what I did that caused her derision towards me is too strong to resist.
“Then what?” I follow her to the couch, taking the other end, and Maddie skootches away from me until she’s pressed against the armrest all the way on the other side of the couch.
“Are we talking about what happened in the diner?” I keep pushing because fuck this shit, I amnotletting her hold that over my head. It’s beyond petty at this point.
“No.” She shakes her head and buries her face in her palm with a groan. “Look, I get bitchy when I’m stressed, okay? And all this faking it stuff is messing with my head.”
“You’re entitled to lash out when you’re under duress, Maddie. I’m not judging you.” I slide a bit closer to her, wanting to tell her there’s no faking involved, never was, but stopping myself because I know it’ll just mess with her head even more at this point. “But you’ve been harboring negativity towards me even before I showed up at the diner. I want to know why.”
“It doesn’t matter, Sawyer.” She leans forward to place her mug on the coffee table, avoiding my eyes and seeming almost embarrassed, as if she feels her anger isn’t entirely justified. “It’s been over a year, water under the bridge and all that.”
“Over a year?” I look at her long and hard, trying to assess how earnest she is or if this is just a way to blow me off, but the way her eyes flare with anger when they meet my gaze tells me she is dead serious. “Youdisappeared onme, Maddie, not the other way around. I came out of the cloakroom, and you were gone.”
“You were having sex with another girl in there! I saw you talk to her and heard her tell her friend she was going in to meet you. I heard you!” Maddie looks so infuriated, so righteous in her claim that for a second, evenI’mconvinced she’s right.
Then again, I know she isn’t. I witnessed firsthand what went down that night. It was the reason it took me longer than expected to get out. When I finally did manage to sneak away from the scene without interrupting, Maddie was nowhere to be found.
“Whatexactlydid she say, Maddie?”
“That the best man told her to meet him in the coatroom, and she had just seen him walk in. She wasreallyexcited.” Maddie frowns at my under-the-breath swearing.
“Did she name me?”
“No, she just saidhim.”
“Then why on earth did you think it was me in there?” I’m barely holding myself from yelling.