“Are you freaking out?” Emily sounds a bit worried, and Davey’s laughter dies off.
“No, which is freaking me out. Why am I not freaking out?” There’s a long pause, and I can see in my head how Davey and Emily are sitting there exchanging one of those couples-that-have-been-together-too-long-and-don’t-need-words-to-communicate looks. “Just spit it out already.”
“Well, for one,” Emily says tentatively, “I think since Cara and Leah were born, it’s been kind of obvious how much you want kids.”
It had never actually occurred to me. Sure, I adore my nieces, sometimes want to steal them and never give them back, but a kid of my own? That dream was buried a long time ago.
There’s that pause again, and my already shot nerves are on their last stretch. “What else?”
Emily takes a deep breath. “Maybe…” She trails off, and Davey huffs irritably.
“You’re falling for her,” he deadpans.
“Davey—”
“No, listen to me. I know what happened with Naomi was beyond hard, and it scares the shit out of you to love somebody like that again. But it’s been eight years, Mikey. Did it occur to you that maybe you’re ready to move on?”
I never thought about moving on. It was never an option.
“Did it occur to you that you deserve to?” Emily is gentler in her tone, but the words still feel harsh.
“No, it hadn’t.” It shouldn’t. Losing everything, spiraling out of control, derailing the lives of my family in the process. I don’t deserve half of what I got back, and I definitely don’t deserveeverything. Another great love, another chance at a family of my own. No, that’s not how this works. You only get that once.
Only… Iamabout to have a family of my own. Whether Lauren and I are together has nothing to do with the fact that I’m going to be a dad. And it doesn’t change her being my family. She claimed her spot in our clan well before I came along.
“You know, Trista didn’t forbid you from getting involved with Lauren for Lauren’s sake.” Emily’s still using that voice, the one she saves for bad news. It’s so gentle you know you don’t want to hear the words she says using it. “She knew Lauren was the kind of girl you could fall for, and she was scared it’d send you into a tail-spin, that you’d feel so guilty for feeling that way about someone other than Naomi that you’d regress to how you were after she died.”
“I did not know that, no.” When did my baby sister become so insightful and protective? It’s my job to protecther, not the other way around. A job which I failed miserably.
“And, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” my brother throws in, “but you’ve been a little bitch since you got back from LA.” I hear an audible smack when Emily undoubtedly hits Davey. Hopefully over the head. “Ouch. I’m serious! The only time you’d smile was when you talked about Lauren.”
“That’s a lot of info to lay on me right now, bro.”
“Look, this is big. Just take time to digest, work things out with Lauren,” Davey provides in his all-business tone, though I detect sympathy somewhere in there. “But you need to tell Mom and Tris.”
“I’ll call Mom.”Which will be the easy part. “Thank you, guys. I needed this talk.”
“Next time, try to knock a girl up during work hours, okay?” Emily teases, and I laugh. After saying our goodbyes, we hang up, and I mull over the conversation.
I like Lauren a lot. And I’ve missed her like crazy. In the weeks since our paths parted, I thought about her all the time, wanted to go back to her or have her come to me. And when I found out she’s pregnant, I was thrilled because I know how much she craves a family, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’ll make a great mom.
But love? Giving my heart away like that again? I’ve been closed off to that option for so long I’m not sure I’m even capable of it anymore.
And that right there is what starts the downward spiral in my head. Because a woman like Lauren deserves nothing less than a man who is head over heels in love with her, and it’s only a matter of time before that man comes along.
A long time.I remind myself.She’s expecting, and it’ll take a while after the baby is born.
I realize then that I’m going to have to try and open up that part of me I buried so long ago, shake the cobwebs off my ticker. Not to force myself to love Lauren or pretend to, no. But because she’s worth the effort.
And if I can’t fully and wholly love a woman like Lauren Banks, then I’ll know once and for all that my heart is truly dead, and I will let her go.
Chapter Twenty
Michael
Lauren takesmy offer to help her out of the car, her smooth skin touching mine sends a jolt of awareness mixed with yearning through my body.
“I know that look, Cupcake,” Lauren warns as she pulls her hand away. “Don’t go there.”