“Oh please.” He grabs a water and leans back against the wall, eyes narrowed on me. “We all know who he was with. The real question is how the hell he found her there and did all the dirt on his clothes mean what we think it means.”
“That’s two questions,” I hedge.
Because I’m not saying shit about Lennon or the explosive sex that happened on that rise in the woods. Hell, it’s been a week and I still wake up, sweating, dick in my hand, cum all over my stomach. I was fucking there and even I have a hard time believing it happened.
She’s been smoke. Haven’t heard from her. Haven’t seen her. What had she said to me? She intended to use me and she’d walk away this time.
Well, she’d followed through on her promise. She’d walked away and hadn’t looked back.
And the loss, after having been inside her after a decade, is like a limb amputated. She’s not here, but dammit, I feel her, need her. But she’s beyond my reach. And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. The height of selfishness would be me pursing her when I’m not just a bad bet, am not who or what she needs, but when I’m still choosing to lie to her. There would be a greater chance of all the planets converging than her father accepting me. And I can’t put her in the position of having to choose between me and her only remaining parent. It would destroy her.
And so would discovering the truth about why I left.
For once, I refuse to be selfish.
“Do you think this is smart?” Gideon murmurs.
I glance at him, and he steadily meets my gaze. There’s no judgment or censure in either his eyes or his tone. Just concern. And there’s no way in hell I can be defensive about the question. He has a right to ask me that—they all do. They were in hell with me…because I dragged them there. And then they helped haul my ass out again.
“Do you need me to…” Rule jerks his head toward the studio door.
“No, you’re good.” I flick a hand toward his chair. “It’s not like you weren’t there and don’t know what we’re talking about.” How many times did I show up at the studio high as fuck and unable to work? Rule has seen all of my shit, the good and the bad. Falling back against the couch, I look at each of my friends. “I don’t know if this is smart. Getting involved with anyone this soon after rehab is a bad idea. But a woman I have a past with?”The only woman I’ve ever loved. “Probably not. I hurt Lennon. I hurt her and betrayed her. And I’ve never forgiven myself for that. I’d like to blame that guilt on my need to be near her, but I would be lying to myself and you. I want her. Whatever scraps of attention she’ll give me, knowing I don’t deserve them, I want her. And the other day,” I scrub a hand over my head, dropping it, unable to meet their gazes as I confess, “those were scraps.”
The silence crescendos, gaining speed and volume and finally, I lift my head. All of them study me with varying degrees of emotion. Curiosity, sympathy, even confusion. But no pity. And that allows me to keep looking into their eyes.
“What if one of those scraps is a trigger?” Kade asks, lowering his leg and twisting in the chair. Frowning, he runs a hand over his beard. “I get that there’s unfinished business between you two, but there’s more at stake here. And I’m not talking about us or the label or even your sobriety. Gunner.”
“Yeah, and we both saw her reaction to him at the auto shop,” Mac gently adds. “Not saying she’d mistreat him, but there’s something…deeper there. You can’t take that risk.”
“She’d never hurt Gunner,” I insist, probably harsher than I intended.
It’s instinctive, my defense of her, and they don’t know Lennon like I do. Yes, she’s angry with me, but her heart is too pure to ever hurt a child. Every part of my soul can attest to that.
Mac holds up his palms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense. Maybe that came out wrong. What I mean is, have you considered that being around him might hurt her? Her expression, man. Her eyes.” He shakes his head. “That was pain.”
I hate you because you gave another woman what you promised me. A family. Gunner could’ve been ours. Should’ve been ours. But you stole one more dream from me.
Fuck.
“She doesn’t make me want to use,” I say, answering Gideon’s original question, because Mac’s… I can’t right now. It’s just another reason why an “us” with Lennon seems impossible. “Being with her settles something inside of me. It’s like finding the me I was meant to be before the drugs. The me I would’ve been had I never touched that shit. But…”
“But?” Gidon pushes when I fall silent.
I swallow hard, remembering my promise to be honest even when it costs me. Even when I’m afraid of it.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m trading one addiction for another.” And if Lennon would be more dangerous than any line of coke.
The phone next to the sound board buzzes, jarring in the tense quiet. Rule reaches over and answers it.
“Yeah?” Pause and a glance at me. “Yeah, hold on.” Lowering the receiver from his ear, he jerks his chin up. “Matt said there’s a woman up at the gate to see you. Her name’s Lennon.”
The tension in the studio ratchets higher, and Rule surveys all of us, eyebrows raised.
“TheLennon, I’m guessing.”
“Let her in.” I shoot to my feet from the couch.
While Rule replies to Matt and hangs up the phone, Kade, Mac and Gideon stand as well, studying me. I wait, bracing myself for whatever they have to say.