I slide my hand across the back of his neck. His hair is getting long, a testament to how worried he’s been. Otherwise, he’d be perfect, ready to face any challenge set in front of him. Another pang of guilt hits me.
“Will you turn and look at me, please? The next part is the hardest, and I can’t say it while you’re facing away. I need you to see my face while I speak. I need you to see me while I speak.”
I let him take his time, and he does, slowly shifting his chair to face me, his knees trapping mine between his as if he’s making a point, asserting the dominance it’s killing him to keep at bay.
“What part is the hardest? Because this is fucking brutal, Valentina,” he says, his voice trembling for control as much as his body.
I swallow hard and exhale slowly so he can’t hear the shake and tremor in my own conviction. Every word is a test, not of him, but of myself. If I can’t stand up to him, a man who has vowed to protect and love me, then how will I ever keep this baby safe from people who actually might want to hurt it. And there are so many people out there who would rip us both apart if they could. The confrontation with my father only cemented that reality for me.
A hot tear slips down my cheeks, and he catches it with a finger, swiping at my face on the other side to stop the others.
“Just say it, Angel, so we can fucking stop having this conversation. I hate seeing you cry. You know that.”
I sniff, trying to keep it all in. “With the current climate in the council and with society, I want you to set up a way for me and our child to run if the need arises. But not just us, for you too…a way for you to run with him, or me, whoever has to keep him safe. Kai too,” I add belatedly.
He stiffens in front of me, and I know what I’m asking of him so soon after I made his worst nightmares come true.
The room is deathly quiet. I think Kai is holding his breath as hard as I am. No doubt waiting to spring up to protect me if the need arises. I won’t, though, if he needs to unleash that terrible anger out on me. Not that I don’t deserve every bit of it.
When he draws his hands away from my skin, it’s as if he’s carved out my lungs and dragged them away too.
It takes a long time, so damn long, for him to say something. But it’s not to me. It’s to Kai. “Do it.”
His voice is so low, and I barely hear it, but Kai immediately goes to work on his laptop. The screen on the wall comes to life so we can all see what he’s doing.
He types at blinding speed. His hands fly over the keys, and screen after screen flashes in front of us. I don’t understand most of it, but I see banks, passports, money, anything and everything a person might need to start over.
For the first time in a while, Kai speaks up. “You need a way to access this if something happens. I propose the five have this information to be handed to whoever needs it when it’s time. That way, no one can access it accidentally.”
I snort. The last part is for me, and I realize Adrian’s not the only one who feels betrayed by my departure.
But I don’t have time to deal with Kai’s feelings right now, not with a volcano about to erupt next to me.
He won’t look at me now, and I get it. I do. My stomach is in knots, and I can’t believe I’m saying all this or doing it. A huge part of me wants to take it all back and say forget it, just to see the dreamy-eyed way he looked at me a little bit ago again. But I know I can’t. My mother should have done this for me. She should have protected me this way, knowing how my life could have turned out. Maybe she’d been naïve, but I can’t afford to be, not when it comes to ensuring another child isn’t harmed the same way I was.
I slide off the chair to kneel at his feet and run my hands up his thighs, but he keeps his eyes locked on the screen, refusing to look at me.
It takes me fisting his shirt to pull him my way before he turns those frozen eyes to me.
“You, of all people, have to understand why I’m doing this. You saw what happened to me. I need to make sure our child is safe. If I don’t, then I’ve failed at the only thing I’ve ever been given. The only job I’ve ever had. I won’t let it happen.”