Charlie pulls me onto his lap and I drop another cat toy. Bonsai, ready to pounce, stands up and meows angrily at the now-unmoving mouse.
Charlie’s hand braces behind my neck, pulling me closer to him so our foreheads are touching. Our eye contact doesn’t break so there will be no mistaking his meaning over what he is about to say.
“I am your partner. You have absolutely nothing to be insecure about with me. I love everything about you, and I will love everything about you. Want to dye your hair orange? Cool. Put on a hundred pounds? Great, more of you to love. You want to, I don’t know, open a farm upstate for rescue animals, where do I send the check? I will love and support you at all times. My love for you is boundless and I will never stop showing you that.” His phone rings again and he sends it to voicemail a second time. My heart slams in my chest, likely to break out from the anxiety I feel. Just seeing his father on the caller ID makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Every insecurity I told myself I would let go of comes roaring back. I told myself I want Charlie, I want to be with him, so that means trying to rein in my reaction. I clench my hands in my lap, trying hard to meet Charlie’s eye.
“You could tell me that we’re never having sex again, and I won’t lie, the disappointment will be real, but I respect you and your body, so that just means I’ll need to get creative. There aregenuinelyno limits. If you decide you don’t want me to love you anymore, I will fight you to make sure that is what you really want, and that you’re not making that decision from a place of fear, like you did before.
“I learned an important fucking lesson in the last month, and that is just how important communication is. I can’t expect you...” The phone rings again and he just turns it off with a huff of frustration. “I can’t expect you to understand what I’m not saying. Someday we may get to the Vulcan mind meld point of a relationship, but right now I’ll just tell you and keep telling you. At all times, unequivocally, I want you here. I want you in my life. No more of this ‘am I a burden?’ bullshit. No more of these concerns about power roles. If I'm exerting undue pressure on you, I want you to tell me. I am laying myself bare for you.
“You are and never werenotgood enough for me. Your upbringing and your family are not a disappointment or a shame or something you need to hide. You feel like you don’t fit in my world? Great, neither do I...”
He’ll keep going if I let him, but I put him out of his misery by kissing him. His arms slide up my back, holding me to him as I straddle him. There is nothing sexual about how we hold each other in this moment: it is about being as close to one another as we can get. I pull away and he looks up at me, brushing the tendrils of hair from my face.
His words and his actions keep wearing down my vulnerability. Charlie has proven time and time again that he’s here forme.I was stupid to let his father and Jack get into my head and convince me otherwise. I needed to listen to my gut and to myself. Fuck all the white noise telling me that this is wrong. My heart is the only thing I need to listen to. Charlie is the only person I need to listen to. Both are telling me that this is the right thing. I blink away tears.
“I love you, too. Iwillbe more open and honest with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t before.” I slide off his lap as he gets up, reluctantly powering his phone back up.
“Anything goes down that you are upset about? Call me at work, I don’t care. You matter and that’s all.” He watches as the missed calls tally up, his phone rings again and this time he answers it.
“H--” Charlie isn’t able to get a word in before the screaming on the other end of the phone begins. I can hear it from where I sit on the bed. He braces his hand on the door frame, his eyes nearly rolling to the back of his head.
“Are you finished?” he asks.
Silence.
“Good. I fucking quit.” He hangs up the phone, powers it down, and tosses it on the bed. “My God, that felt so good. I should have done that ages ago.” He climbs into bed with me and gets back under the covers. He kisses Mochi on the head, which earns a tiny adorable hiss at the abrupt affection.
“Let’s get away,” his eyes are bright and clear.
I laugh, unsurprised by this. Remembering how happy he was during most of our trip away, I want to bring him that peace again. I never want to be the thing that causes him pain. “Get away where?”
“Anywhere. I can get hired somewhere else tomorrow and even if I don’t, I have enough stashed away to take a sabbatical. Let’s travel, see the world for a few months, anything. Vivian can come stay here with the cats until she knows what she wants to do. Let’s do it.”
I laugh, kiss him, and snuggle close, our future lying open ahead of us.
Epilogue
Ten Months Later
It’shardtothinkthat I was on this same beach just one year ago, my relationship with Charlie just starting to blossom. Today, we are going to promise our love in front of our closest friends and family.
After abruptly quitting his job, Charlie and I took off to see the world, taking it two weeks at a time so he could actually look for a job. We started east and worked our way west; no real limits on what we saw or did. It was brutal for jet lag, but we adjusted.
While sitting on a balcony in Paris eating dinner, Charlie slid a box across the table and got down on one knee.
Our romance was a whirlwind but it kept us on our toes at all times. I was delighted to say yes. He was my everything and once we started to talk, to really be open about the things going on in our heads, all of our problems seemed to fade. Without his father and Jack spreading poison between us, we were happier in every way.
Returning to New York meant settling into a new norm. I found a graphic design job that I love, and Charlie is happier at his new job. His late nights no longer end in the early morning hours, when he might hit a girl riding a bike during a hurricane on his way home. Those nights now mean a late,latedinner at home with our cats.
“Are you ready?” Vivian asks, handing me my bouquet.
I take it and shake my head, smiling. “I don’t really have a choice, considering you all flew down to Bora Bora to watch me get married.”
Ainsley laughs. “Worst case scenario, I got a killer vacation out of it,” she jokes.
I grin, glad that she and I have been able to move past my insecurities. She’s become a good friend, as I’d hoped she would.
Ainsley, Taryn, and Vivian walk out ahead of me and I wait for my cue.