My leg is sore, so I tell myself I’m only sitting down because I want to, not because he ordered me to. Bryan chatters as he cooks, telling me about people he says we know and what's going on in their lives. I try to listen to him, but I really just want a night where I can eat my feelings and watch sad, old romances likeTitanicorThe Notebook.
I realize that all those horror pornos were actually Bryan’s when, without asking, he pops one into the DVD player while we eat.
“Oh, you owe me $200 for the groceries and my cab. You can send me the money on EfUPayMe.”
Charlie has been out of my life for a week and I’ve been miserable every day of it. It’s like a hangover, only there is no remedy for it. Every moment is spent just trying to get through it and forget how his mouth felt on mine and how hard it was to win a laugh from him...and how he started to laugh easier the longer we were together. I start to doubt that I’ve made the right call.
On day seven, I get a text message from a number I don’t recognize. It's a photo of Charlie and Ainsley sitting in a restaurant next to a window with a bottle of wine between them. The text with the picture makes me grit my teeth.
Are C and A back together now that E has crawled back to the hole she came from? My money is on yes, but only time will tell!
XOXO Gossip Girl.
I fight the urge to throw my phone at the wall. I know that the text is from Jack, intent on torturing me even though I’m not a problem. He wants to make sure it stays that way. I’ve texted Vivian, too, with no response. Is she mad at me for leaving Charlie? I turn my attention to Bryan, trying to distract myself.
“Tell me more about our life together. What sorts of things did we like to do?” I ask over dinner that night. He’s been grouchy since being relegated to the couch. I pointed out that he can just go to his own apartment if he wants to sleep in a bed, but he insists on staying here while I ‘convalesce,’ in his words.
“I don’t know. I played video games and you watched a lot of movies. You would draw some pictures every so often. We would hang out with my friends a lot and get baked. You used to make these wicked weed brownies, but I’m guessing you don’t remember how to make those now.”
Weed brownies sounded great but not like something I would know how to make. I open my mouth again but Bryan holds up a hand to stop me.
“I’m pretty tired of the constant questions. But I got you a surprise!”
I sit up straighter, wondering if it’s something that will help me remember. His movements seem excited as he gets up, running to a bag he had dropped by the door this morning. When Bryan whips out a box of blonde hair dye, I have to keep my whole body from deflating.
“I thought maybe if you dyed your hair you would feel more like yourself.”
I smile weakly, trying to appreciate the gesture. I’m happy with my hair as it is. I had gone through so much and had just gotten it back.
“Thank you,” I say, trying to mean it, “but I just dyed it back and the stylist said that my hair needs a break. It’s kind of brittle.” I look down, lifting the fork to my mouth.
Bryan had come home with ingredients and told me to make dinner. He’d offered me no instructions, so the chicken is burned and dried out from having been cooked too long. The broccoli is bland and difficult to eat. I’m only a few bites in when he takes the plate and dumps the rest of it into the trash.
“Hey!” I object, “I wasn’t done with that.” I scowl. I’m starting to get tired of the constant cutting short of my meals. Each time he goes out, he takes my keys with him, which essentially leaves me stuck in the apartment. Even if I did want to test my knee and get out, I can’t.
“You looked done.” He shrugs. “Well, come on, let’s get started.” He takes my hand and drags me to the bathroom.
“We used to hang out with only your friends? What about my friends, like Vivian?” I know he said no more questions but I have to know if he knows what happened.
“That stuck up bitch ghosted you. She moved in with her boyfriend and forgot all about you. You didn’t really have anyone else.” He kisses me, catching me off guard. It’s not the soft, gentle exploration of a first kiss; it’s swift and brutal like it’s owed to him. “God, I’ve been dying to do that since we got back together again.”
“We’renotback together,” I say and he looks like I hit him.
“I’ve given up so much to be here with you, to help you. How could you say that? Do my sacrifices mean nothing because I haven’t whisked you off to some penthouse?” Bryan pins me to the wall with his body and proceeds to kiss my neck.
I push him back. “I didn’t ask for any of that,” I point out, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Yeah, you probably didn’t ask for any of thepearl necklacesthat rich fucker gave you either but I bet you took those willingly.” He reaches up to touch my neck.
I feel anger surge and I bat his hand away. “I think you should go, Bryan.” I hear the quaver in my voice when I say it.
He immediately looks repentant. “I’m sorry, that was over the line. It's just hard for me to think about you being with him. For me, you were still my fiancée. My feelings for you haven’t changed.” He strokes the back of a finger down my cheek and tucks my hair behind my ear.
“You have to realize that things for mehavechanged. I don’t remember you. This, you staying here, that’s weird for me. I appreciate you staying and trying to help me with groceries and stuff but...I don’t need you around.”
“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be better. I want to try to make this work between us. I love you.” He takes a step away from me, making a show of giving me space. All it really shows me is that I can’t forcibly move him.
“You need to do better than just give me physical space. This is really confusing for me.”