As soon as we get home, I scoop up Bonsai and Mochi and snuggle their faces to mine. They bite at my hair but I don’t care nor do I care that I woke them by doing this. Right now, I want to remember the warmth of their squirming bodies.
“You’re leaving,” Charlie states with an edge to his voice.
“I think I have to,” I say, letting the kittens down on the floor and tossing my coat over one of the island stools.
“No, you don’t. I can’t believe you’re just going to give up on us.”
He rushes at me, kissing me on the mouth and trying to make me remember why I love him. I don’t need the reminder because I know it in every look he gives me and every tender-hearted thing he has done since his car hit me. He stood there and let me rail against him as I screamed about how unfair this all was. He let me pound my fists on his chest in frustration as I tried to walk again. He helped me when I struggled with myself most, and he loved me before I was put back together again.
I kiss him, knowing that this is the last time that I will be with him, and that breaks my heart. I try to keep the tears from falling as he scoops me up and carries me to our bed, to his bed. We throw our clothes every which way and say goodbye with our bodies. It’s tender and we both cry from the overwhelming emotions. When we’re done, he holds me and I wonder if he will go back to Ainsley.
“You do not have to leave,” he says again. It is then that I decide that I hope he does call her. They looked beautiful together, two magnets finally facing the right way.
“I do. For all the good in your life that you think I’ve brought, I’ve made things harder everywhere else. I never thought this could be permanent. I never thought I could be more. I’m never going to be an Ainsley Seaborn.”
“I don’t want you to be Ainsley.” But he doesn’t deny that I’ve made his life harder just by being in it.
“Charlie, I’ve caused enough of a disruption to your life. I don’t fit in your world. I don’t have the right pedigree or family. I’ll never be able to compete with these women. It was so fun while it lasted.” I start to cry again and he holds me close to him, my tears sliding off his skin onto the bed.
He lets me go abruptly, rolling out of the bed. I sit up and look at him, pulling the sheet up over my bare chest. I’m starting to rebuild the walls between us.
“You have brought meaning to my life. You are all that matters. But if you really think that. If you really think you should be with Bryan, then go. I won’t sit here and watch you twist yourself into knots trying to justify leaving me.” His anger is justified, even if it feels like it comes from nowhere.
“Charl--”
He is pulling on clothes, wrinkled pants and the shirt he wore earlier, and turns quickly to me.
“No, Elia, just don’t. You got your last good fuck. You left here this morning with your mind already made up. I can’t convince you that you’re wrong. I don’t know what has you so fucking spooked, but fine. I give up. I’ve spent the last four months fighting for you, but I’m not going to fight for someone who isn’t going to fight for me. You can leave your key with the front desk. I’m going to the office.”
He storms out and I try to reason that the anger is better. Anger means he won’t be sitting here, drinking by himself. I want so badly to tell him that I’m doing this so he doesn’t have to make the hard choice, because I want to spare him from that pain. This heartache is easier; it’s something he can get past. If he chose me, if he left all he knew behind, it would only lead to him resenting me, and this, this is at least better.
It has to be.
Chapter 24
Ispendagoodhour sobbing after he leaves but soon my thoughts start to race. I wonder if he’s asked Benji to let him know when I’m gone. I only have one suitcase so I have to be efficient about what I take. I’m going back to my old apartment, regardless of the pain that the stairs will bring. I’ll just have to make sure I get good at buzzing people up because I may never leave again.
I try to get as much as I can into the one suitcase. I focus on clothes and things I’ll need most urgently until I can come back for the rest. I collect my remaining things and tuck them away in the guest room. The last thing I want is to leave a painful reminder for Charlie. I draft a text to Vivian, asking her to collect the stuff for me at some later time, and make a mental note to send it later.
I am dismayed to realize that my two blankets won’t fit into the case. Maybe it’s childish, but the heartbreak of having to leave them behind, even if only for a little while, is what almost does me in. I swipe at the tears in my eyes, knowing Charlie wouldn’t do anything to damage them, no matter how hurt he might be. I move them to the guest room as well, laying them in the drawers of the dresser I had known so well. I take down the Christmas lights and tend to the other décor, trying to erase every sign of myself .
I write out how and when to feed the cats since I’ve been their primary caregiver. It’s yet another thing that breaks my heart. I’m devastated to leave them behind since I have bonded with them so much already. I feel like it’s incredibly unfair that I must leave them but it’s also the only thing that can be done. I can’t take them from Charlie; they are his as much as they are mine, but I just love them so much. It’s as if I am leaving my children behind.
The last thing I do is write my goodbye to Charlie. I glance at the bed we have shared for the last two months. It’s almost too much to bear. Already, tears are falling from my eyes and the pen is shaking in my hand. I have to keep telling myself that I’m doing this for Charlie. He may think we’re happy now, but we won’t always be if he has to keep making sacrifices for me.
Charlie,
I never meant to fall in love with you but you made it so easy. From your deep belly laughs to the warmth of your touch, there was no way around it. You took me in when you didn’t have to. You went above and beyond simple responsibility to right the wrong caused by the accident.
You were never at fault. It was an act of fate that brought us together and I know that I am better for knowing you. I don’t say it lightly: these last few months by your side have meant everything to me. I didn’t know who I was, but I know who you have made me.
I am stronger and more confident for knowing you. You have made me a better woman by loving me.
I will forever cherish the time we spent together, knowing that even if you were only mine for a little while, I was so blessed in that time.
I’m taking the coward's way out with this note, and I know it. I would never be able to leave if I had to see you face to face. I would have toppled empires if it meant I got to love you, but I cannot let my love for you deprive you of your friends and family. As much as we hate to admit it, I don’t belong in your world.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, however briefly, and for letting me love you always.