He smiles roguishly. “She is excited to meet you, by the way.”
I blink at him. The warm Australian breeze sweeps across us like a caress. “That wasn’t fair. The Princess Jasmine thing. You’re not playing fair.”
Looking at him now, I can tell he’s proud of her - of Kelly. Of Max. I can see a sparkle in his eyes, a satisfaction, a level of peace.
Peace.
I remember that in his eyes, too.
There was a time when I brought him peace.
But of course, knowing Max has someone to hold him would bring Bronson just as much happiness as having someone himself. He is the most selfless person for his family. And I was his fucking family too. “I never thought you’d hurt me like the way you did last night. You betrayed my trust.”
He nods. Just like that. “Eat your chicken.”
Despite my discomfort and sadness, my stomach shifts around, rippling with hunger. So I do eat. And of course, it is amazing. We sit under the stars without a single sound besides the clicking of the crickets, the croaking of the frogs, and the bubbling of the hot tub.
As my mind falls into a nice, inebriated state, allowing for the quiet to ignite the world, bring it to life. It fills my ears with noise - subtle ones that are usually subdued. I like them. With no buzzing, shuffling of feet, or voiceovers, I think about poor old Gwen by the window, wishing for a bit of this active quiet. I think about Akila locked up inside while the nurse Perry hired watches television. I think about Perry looking for me. . . Think about him ignoring Akila. Think about him planning to have her put into a home in my absence.
I look at Bronson as he eats his food. His eyes are trained on me while I’m deep in thought. I know I should tell him. But if I tell him, then he’ll know. . . then I’ll know. I’ll have said it out loud. That she is the main reason I am still with Perry. And yet, I don’t trust him with her. To do what is best for her. Unless he has me. I’m the currency. As the truth swarms through me, I blink at Bronson. He has to let me go back to her. . .
“I have to go back,” I whisper.
His smooth grin twitches. “To Dr Clean?”
“To Akila.”
He chuckles. “Nice try. She’ll be fine, baby. She doesn’t enjoy being coddled if I remember correctly.”
“No.” I shake my head, the image of my fiercely independent sister before her accident crashing into my mind. Is she living in her own perpetual hell right now? Dependant. Half alive and half asleep. I blink at the stars, feeling waves of emotion wash over me, an immense crash of whitewash hitting me before I say the words. “Akila has brain damage, Bronson. She has corresponding paraplegia. She was in a car crash.”
I tear up. I don’t know why. Don’t know why it is happening, given the real Akila was taken from me so long ago. I haven’t shed a single tear in years, but now they begin to burst from me. As I try to stop the strangled sobs that tighten my throat, Bronson slides over to my side. He scoops me up and sits me on his lap, where I curl into him instead of fighting him off.
“Tell me what happened,” he demands, tightening his hold on me, big, tattooed arms twitching with possessiveness.
I rub my tears against his chest, allowing my grief to seek comfort in his arms. Allowing the wine to inebriate the part of me that should slap him for touching me after the shit he pulled. “They hit a tree on a back road,” I say. “Dad went through the window. He died. But. . .Akila. She was still belted in when people arrived at the scene. They say she hit her head on the window. I knew Perry. . .” I swallow hard, not wanting to tell Bronson we were already dating at this point. “I knew Perry already. He was my boss. My Attending. And my . . . friend. I was a medical student then. It was too much for me. . .
“They all wanted to switch off her life support. But she was all I had. The last of my family. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t be responsible for . . .more.Perry supported us. He supported my decision to keep her alive even though I sometimes wish. . . Sometimes I wish I had switched it off.” Guilt seeps through me. Without her, I would be free tobe. . . But mainly because I should have let her go then. Shouldn’t have needed to keep her alive to satiate a part of me that couldn’t be responsible for another death. I should have let her go while she was stillher.No decision would have been without guilt.
His nose touches my forehead. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I had no idea what her life would be like. . . now,” I admit for the first time. “It’s not much of a life.”
“Hers or yours?” he asks, and a pang of pain flares through me.Both, you arsehole! Her disabilities have become my shackles. Are you happy? I am all she has!I slide from his lap, my eyes darting to the phone in his pocket. When I look back up, he’s staring straight at me.
I clench my teeth together. “I will get back to her.”
He smiles, but it isn’t nice. “Tohim.”
Shaking my head, disappointment and sadness duel within me. “I thought you were angry at me. When I came to see you, I thought I was meeting that boy in the park. I used to have nightmares about him. About where he was. How he felt. I wanted to talk to him. To find closure. To cuddle him one last time. . . But he’s gone. Isn’t he? You are too far down Jimmy Storm’s rabbit hole to see that your actions aren’t normal. That life isn’t yours to stomp on. That you can’t take people without consent.”
I turn from him and climb down to the first floor. He doesn’t follow me down or call out after me, so I settle into the bed and stare at the RV’s wall.
Shoshanna
Present day
Wriggling around on the bed,I can sense the hour by the sounds of the lively quiet. The RV isn’t moving. No lights flicker above my eyelids. It’s night-time again.