My world tilts.
I circle back around to Cassidy, and my heart contracts painfully in my chest. As my teary eyes focus on her hazel pools, we connect, sharing our fears and sorrow so deeply they become a tangible entity uniting us.
She swallows hard. “They’ll be fine,” she mutters, fear strangling each word, but she tries hard to stifle it. To hide it from her daughter, who is curled in her lap, tightly enveloped in the protective hold of her arms. Glancing down at Kelly, Cassidy silently pleads with me not to alarm her further. To stay calm. To pretend. I wipe my tears away, forcing a straight face.
“Of course they will be. They’re like superheroes,” I find my voice enough to say, a little strained but clear. “I hear Max has super strength.”
Kelly slowly lifts her head, looking up from her mummy’s arms. Tears glide down her face, rolling over the freckled arch of her nose. “Daddy? Like, inThe Incredibles?”
I nod, fighting the need to cry at her sweet innocence. “Yeah. Didn’t you notice how strong he is?”
Feedback from Carter’s receiver draws all of our attention to him. I jump to my feet, followed quickly by Cassidy.
“They’re coming,” the man on the other end of the phone says. The door swings open, and dust and remnants of fog creep in around the silhouette of a man. Max strides over to Cassidy, and I step back from her as she rushes to him.
“Max.” His name soars desperately from her lips as he drops to his knees in front of her, taking both his girls into his arms. Tucking Kelly into his torso with a protective hand banding her head, he focuses his attention on his wife, using his other big arm to hold her close. He presses his forehead to her lips, breathing roughly, strained. Her petite hands cup his face as she whispers things against his skin that only he can hear. Tears build behind my eyes, feeling the sudden sadness shift through the air, the information not being uttered moves like a phantom through the room.
Hearing the stomping of boots, I dart my gaze to the door, taking a little step forward when. . . Luca appears. I deflate. He quickly scans the room, finding me immediately and stopping as though I’m the person he was seeking out.
I suck a wobbly breath in, shaking my head as his brows weave and he releases a splintered exhale. A sound that on a woman might be considered a whimper. Stepping away from him, not liking the look in his eyes, I refuse to acknowledge the message on his face.No.
“Where is he?” I demand, my body slowly losing all strength, my stomach twisting. The energy surrounding the Butcher men is nauseating in its grief. “Where is he!”
Luca approaches me. “We can’t find him.”
My breathing becomes fitful. My head jolts from side to side, as I stammer, “No. He’s just. . .” I reach for something to hold on to, to keep my body straight, at my normal height - I feel like I’m shrinking. “He’s just. . .joking,or did you look for his bike? Maybe he went after them. That’s something he would do. Yes. Yeah, that’s-”
“We looked everywhere.” Luca catches me as my knees give up. A strangled sob forces its way up my throat. “They have him.” He cups my cheeks, but my eyes bounce away, dropping to the floor, losing focus. “Look at me.”
No, I won’t. I don’t want to exist without him anymore. I won’t. I tremble in Luca’s arms. “Look at me, Shoshanna. We will find my son. You have my word. We will bring him home.”
“The police and ambulance are in the drive,” a man says through the receiver. “Xander is with them.”
“Copy that, we’re heading out now,” Carter replies.
I suddenly can’t hear anymore. Words become inaudible as I drown in all the things unsaid - like I love you, like I want to be with you, I won’t ever leave you again. I never told him he is my world, that my mind finds peace in his madness, that his madness allows me to be me. That without him, I was just half of a person. Half a heart.
Allowing fear to weigh me down, I sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness.
“I’ll protect you. Never leave you alone to fend for yourself.”
Then it all freezes.
I widen my eyes and straighten, knowing what I have to do. Protect him. Like I used to.Together.That’s what we promised one another years ago when we had no idea what love and life were all about, but still understood the depths of loyalty, of commitment.
Pulling myself from Luca’s arms, I stare at him, resolute in my decision. I clench my teeth, talking through them. “I’m going with you.”
“No-“
“I. Am. Going!” I square my shoulders, not allowing any slip in my resolve. “I want to help. I can help.”
Luca’s brows weave. “If something happens to you, my son won’t survive that either. Your safety might just keep him fighting. Keep him going.”
Craning my neck, I level him with my stare. “I’m coming with you. There is nowhere else for me.”
Shoshanna’s Poem
Eighteen years old.