Control.
It's always about control.
I watch as the cattle dogs steer the flock with little effort around the field, controlling them. . ."Do you think sex can be used as a form of control?"
And there it is.
"Of course. But I don't see how that will help you control your memories unless you are thinking about something way above my kink spectrum."
I shake my head at that, feeling a little better already. Feeling like my best friend is now sharing part of the weight of this memory for me. Just having him know about it makes the memory feel lighter. Staring at a black and white border collie that is bending the sheep to its will, I expose more fears in the hopes he'll lighten their hold on me too. "Is Max controlling me?"
Toni cracks up laughing and I kind of want to slap him. That's probably the Butcher baby in me, spiking my hormones. "Oh, Golden Girl. Hell no. Your lady parts havehimhog tied; don't you worry about that."
"Stop it, Toni. I'm serious." I turn from the oval and face my beautiful chow-mien-biscotti bestie. "Does being a woman instantly make me weak? Because men literally enter women. Max entered me. My body. Heart." I shuffle on the grass. "And now, a part of him grows inside me. I've never thought about it before, you know, but it's true."
He frowns at me. "That's a really perverted way of viewing your relationship. Where is this coming from?"
I scratch a piece of pink nail polish off my index finger. "It's just something I read," I lie. I lie because I know that listening to the words of a psychotic dead man is absolutely ridiculous. . .
Yeah, Cassidy, it really is.
His eyes suddenly brighten. "Put your finger up his arse. Even the score."
"Oh my gawd, Toni! Seriously?"
"Sorry," he mutters as if ashamed, but I can see he has more to say. It's so blatant on his too-excited face. Unable to hold it back, he blurts out, "If you do though, please film it for me."
I slap my forehead. "I need a new best friend."
He lets out a soft, serious sort of exhale. The kind that means he's understanding me. Understanding what I need to hear. "Alright, Golden Girl. No, Max isn't controlling you with your vag. You are not weak. Women control men, Cassidy. With class and heels."
I sigh. It's not control we offer. . . It's comfort.
Frick, my Max.
That's what he needed yesterday. He gave me what I needed - space - and in doing so I denied him what he needed. Comfort. I'm a place he can be himself - honest, raw, guard-less. I'm his gentleness in this dangerous world and that doesn't make me his weakness - it doesn't make me weak.
Maybe.. . I'm his strength.
Toni continues, "And as for the baby topic, Jacinda Ardern had a baby while the prime minister of New Zealand. If she can do that, then you can work it around ballet. My queen is way ahead of the competition. It's only fair to give them a chance to catch up. You were getting a bit too fabulous anyway."
I smile softly. "I can't dance Sugar Plum." Remembering the sponsorship I was offered, I groan. "And Jimmy's sponsorship is out of the question. He was going to pay my way through Europe but now. . . I can't go."
He nods slowly. "Maybe not this year. But you will. One day."
Breathing smoothly for the first time in what feels like days, I begin to silence the irrational thoughts. I won't let trauma consume me. Let it blanket darkness over the good things in my life. The good people in my life. People I trust. Love.
I take a big breath in and steadily breathe out Erik.
Max
She was scaredof me last night. For the first time, perhaps ever, there was a glimpse of true fear in her golden-hazel eyes. That rips at my guts. I fucking force that down, the way I begged her, the way she rejected me, the way I left, the way it made me feel. . . fucking helpless. Fuck. Yep, I ram it all fucking down.
I glance out the window of my Chrysler 300 and take a sip of my whiskey neat. All my attention should be on the mob at Stormy River. The fucking wop trash that won't last the night. Won't be going home to their families.
Cassidy.
I can't stop seeing her wide, confused eyes. Can't stop recalling how she lied to me about why she wanted to stay at home. Home. That place isn't her fucking home anymore.