17
JULIANA
As the days pass, I enjoy my men. We get naughty frequently, despite having to be quiet, but even the sex, attention, stories, and bonding time with them can’t keep my mind off my mind.
Somehow on Sunday, Konstantin and Max are called away. I would do anything to keep Max here since he’s so good at distracting me with the stories he’s suddenly eager to tell and all the ways he’s opening up, but instead, it’s just Gio and me. We both pretend to work, but I’m just staring at a blank email.
The blinking curser mocks me until I shut my laptop and shove it to the side. Charlie takes advantage and Nolan follows. I curl around them as they nose my face and try to calm me down.
The panic attacks and anxiety have been creeping back in. I wouldn’t say paranoia is a problem since someone is out to kill me, but the time of year alongside that problem is eating at me.
I take a few deep breaths and I try not to think of my mom. I love her, I will until the day I die, but since I can’t stop thinking about all the things I want to do with her, the little things I’ve missed out on with her, the things she’s missed, it’s not exactly pleasant.
A hand strokes over my back, and I jump up, ready to meet a ghost, but it’s Gio. I sit up and wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest. “This is hell.”
“I imagine it is.”
“It’s been years, and I just find new things to be upset about. So much that I wish she’d be here to see or do or enjoy with me. I mean ...” I sniff, then groan. “I’m so tired of crying about the same thing. I feel like a ridiculous child.”
“You’re not ridiculous, Juliana.” He insists. “You loved her.”
“I still do. I just ... I want her to be here. It’s ridiculous, I know.”
He shakes his head.
He smiles and squats down to look up at me. “You are not ridiculous when it comes to this. I promise. I’ve missed my dad at least once a month. I’ll be a mess when the year mark hits.”
“I just want to go to her grave, close my eyes, and pray for a haunting of the good kind. To see her smile, to know that sheknowsthat I still think about her, that I want to make her proud, that I haven’t forgotten her.”
“I’m sure she knows that, wherever she is.”
“She put up with my father for more than eighteen years. She did all her penance,” I grumble.
Gio chuckles and strokes my hair. “I’m not the best at comforting. Should I call Kon?”
“No, Gio.” I guide him closer to me. “You’re better than you think. Just ... don’t ... I don’t know. I don’t know what advice to give. I’m out of words.”
So he spends the day holding me. When I do find words, I just reminisce with him about Mom. He tells me stories I don’t even remember, like when we were playing a game and Mom told him we should play ‘wedding’ and be bride and groom.
I play with Gio’s hands. “She might have been on to something.”
“I think it was obvious even back then that I was crazy about you,” Gio whispers. “But your Mom made sure I apologized whenever we fought. She taught me things my parents didn’t. She was a good person, through and through.”
I bite my lip as I think of a kind of terrible thought. It’s not fair to my dad, my mom, or me. But I noticed that my father started pulling away from me, stopped encouraging me, and started trying to lock me away and pamper me when mom got sick. It’s like he can preserve her by keeping me safe from the world – which means keeping me from actually living the life I have.
“What are you thinking about?” Gio asks.
“Gloomy things.” I look back at him. He wraps his arms around me from behind and squeezes me. I close my eyes and bask in his warmth. “You make it more tolerable.”
“We’re going for better, so I’ll just have to keep holding you.”
Which results in me falling asleep. I dream of my mom. She’s just coming over for dinner and fawning over Max, teasing Konstantin for every blush, and whispering to Gio until he hurries away to hide his discomfort.
Of course, she loves that I’m following my heart, even if it’s stretching me between three men. The sly looks, her laugh, and the lavender and rose scent of her perfume make it a tragedy when I do wake up.
I just lay there. I feel Gio’s chest move slowly and I know he’s asleep. I know I should be happy to have him here with me, but a part of me feels empty. I lay there, trying to empty my mind until Max returns.
He takes one look at me and motions me to come to him.