‘Damn your pride. The longer you leave it the more this distance between you will grow. You can snap and snarl at her all you like but you were lost the moment you met Ailsa and no matter what she’s done you can’t fight that. I know it and you know it.’
Duncan sat for a moment trying to control his temper. He did not want to be pressed on the subject of Ailsa. He wanted some peace from the confusion and anger tearing him in two. One part of him wanted to go to Ailsa and pull her into his arms and the other never wanted to see her again. He turned the conversation to more practical matters.
‘A messenger came from the Sinclairs. They want to make peace and so I go tomorrow to meet them. Will you come with me even though I am a fool?
‘Of course, I will and what about Ailsa?’
‘In my mind, I can find a way forward with her but in my heart, I can’t, no matter how hard I try. That is all there is to it Rory.’
Chapter Twenty
It took two weeks for Duncan to return to Cailleach. His negotiations with the Sinclairs had gone well. The death of their murderous leader had knocked all the fight out of them and they had been eager to agree to his terms and cease hostilities. But Duncan had not headed for home immediately, reluctant to face Ailsa and the dilemma that stood between them.
He found her in the stables. She was at Fingal’s stall, leaning against his neck, her chestnut hair matching the rich brown of his coat. For a long time, Duncan did not make his presence known because he just wanted to look at her. She was wearing a dress of soft dove grey embroidered with little red roses which made her look doll-like and fragile, though he knew her to be anything but that. As her hand gently stroked the horse, up and down, up and down, his mind went back to the last time they had been there together and delighted in each other’s bodies, when he had for a brief, wonderful moment felt at one with her.
But now, even as his heart swelled with love for her, that feeling was corroded by his dark thoughts. He could not fight how he felt but it tortured him to acknowledge it. He had been blinded by desire but he would not make that mistake again. Instead, he took his anger and bitterness and using it as a shield against her sweetness he called to her.
‘Ailsa.’
She swirled around in alarm, her green eyes wide.
‘Duncan, you’re back.’ She smiled hesitantly.
‘So it would seem.’ His voice sounded cold even to him and her smile faded. She came towards him slowly, clutching her arms around herself.
‘You look very well,’ he said. She looked more than well, she looked unutterably lovely. There was a glow to her skin like the sheen on a butterfly’s wings, a pink bloom to her cheeks which deepened as he stared at her. Uncharitably, he wondered if she could conjure such beauty at will to trap him into relenting and forgiving her.
‘I so am glad you have come back,’ she said in a small voice. ‘Duncan, we must talk about what happened at Dunslair between Hamish and me,’ she said.
‘No we must not,’ he snarled. ‘What we must do is never speak his name again. We will go on and in time these wounds will heal.
‘They will not heal if you will not trust me. Please, Duncan, I have been in torment these last days without you.’
‘Stop Ailsa. I came to see that you are well, I have satisfied myself that you are and now I want no further discussion on that worm McDougall.’
‘But I did not betray you, I swear.’
‘I want to believe you Ailsa, really I do but there is more than that fool separating us. You never cared for me and you never will. You are loyal to your clan I see that now. I do not condemn you for it, I admire it in a way but it means I can never trust you nor you me.’
‘Then we are a sorry pair, Duncan.’
‘Aye we are, but that’s the truth of it,’ he said sadly. ‘I will keep my vow and will protect and care for you as I have always tried to do. I will even own that I love you, though it pains me to say it, but I won’t be your fool Ailsa. We will make the best of things as do many couples and we will do our duty and make this union successful. That way we might find some kind of affection for each other.’
‘Some kind of affection! How can you speak so? You either love me or you don’t. You cannot give half your heart, Duncan.’
‘It’s all I have to give. Do you think I have no honour? Do you think I have no pride, to follow you around like an obedient dog while you blow hot and cold with me, while you push me away and seek solace with another?’
‘If you think I would behave so coldly then you do not know me at all,’ she said quietly.
‘Aye, perhaps you are right, I do not know you.’
‘The night before you left me at Dunslair? The things you said, the way we were together? Did all of that mean nothing?’
‘It meant everything, to me at least, but it was a fantasy and it could not last. There is and always has been too much separating us.’
‘There is only your pride separating us,’ she said desperately.
‘Enough Ailsa. Let’s end this sham.’ Her face would have shown less anguish if he had struck her. ‘I am going hunting with Rory and I will leave you in peace for a few days. We can talk again when I return, but about the future, not the past.’