I grin up at my brother, seeing his comments for what they are; a distraction to get his mind off the heavy shit that’s just been discussed. “Yes, sir,” I laugh with a salute. “Right away, sir.”
Blake nods and gives me a cheesy as hell grin. “Now, that’s more like it,” he says, before grabbing his shit and hightailing it out of here.
Chapter 16
I stare up at my blackened ceiling, desperately trying to find sleep, but even with my knife curled inside my palm, the sweet unconsciousness never comes. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, his hands on my body, the sharp pain as he forced himself inside of me.
When will this end? I need to forget. I need to feel again. I need to take back control.
I always thought of sex as fun, but now it seems like this scary, humiliating thing used to torture women into obedience. I once enjoyed it, especially when it was with someone who cared for and treated me as a woman should be treated. But Lucien ruined it for me. He took everything magical away and blackened my soul.
I doubt I’ll ever enjoy sex again.
After the threat of marriage was thrown at me, my life spiraled out of control. Part of the deal was my virginity and I was determined to do anything to ruin this deal, so I did what anyone else would have done and dealt with my virginity myself. No virginity, no deal, right? Fucking wrong.
I had only just turned fifteen when I jumped in the sack with Liam Townsend. Big mistake, like huge fucking mistake. We both fumbled around, hardly knowing what went where, but despite it feeling like a fish out of water flopping around on top of me, it was still fun. Liam made sure I was okay, and after he came two seconds later, he got me an orange juice in his little brother’s spider-man glass. Thinking back on it, it was absolutely ridiculous but it was worth it.
That moment with Liam took the fear of sex out of me. I knew what to expect and from there on, we stuck together and learned from each other. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but people at school could tell something was going on. He taught me everything I needed to know, and I did the same for him.
We each moved on to bigger and better things after a few months of fooling around and I’ve never looked back…until now.
Now I feel like I don’t even know who I am. My body doesn’t feel like my own, and I don’t know how I’ll ever let a man touch me again. I was close with Damian the other night, but who knows if I would have let him get to home base? Maybe I would have panicked and chickened out like a little bitch. I don’t know, but I want to.
I need to know how far this fear goes. I need to know how crippled I’ve become, but what’s more, I need to overcome it.
I let out a shaky breath as my brain takes me somewhere it really shouldn’t, but the second the thought passes, I’m throwing the blankets back and slipping out of my bed.
I’m taking back control. I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I can’t let the fear of Lucien continue to hold me hostage. This is my body not his and I’ll do with it as I please, and right now, I need to forget.
I grab my jacket and slip my arms through the sleeves then push open my window and slip out. I must be crazy for doing this, but there’s only one real way that I can know how deep this fear runs.
I walk for fifteen minutes, pulling my jacket close to my body as the late autumn chill begins seeping into my bones. Life would be so much easier if I had a car. I know Shay and Ben promised me one, but is it really fair to ask for it? Maybe it’s time to stand on my own two feet and get a job.
I get to where I need to be and stare up at the house, trying to remember if this is the right place. The last time I was here, I ran out like my ass was on fire. Who knows? I might be about to bust down the doors of the wrong horny teenager.
Shaking the uncertainty from my mind, I go for it. I don’t know whether his parents are home, but really, my desperation to seek out answers has my care factor dropping to sub-zero. Besides, I get the feeling that he isn’t a stranger to having girls in his room at all hours of the night. In fact, I wouldn’t completely be surprised if I walk in to find him already busy.