“I went last year and its...very interesting,” Iris said in a low voice.
I leaned in. “Is it bad?”
Her mouth twitched. “No, it’s…just interesting.”
Lorenza’s eyes narrowed. “Tell us, I want to know what to expect.”
Iris looked over her shoulder at Mrs. Greene and shifted closer, her eyes glittering. “It’s usually held here, at the Calo House, or it has been as long as Peregrine has owned it, and only couples go. You don’t have to be married or anything, but if you expect to experience…it to the fullest, it’s best not to go alone.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Everyone gets a little frisky.” Iris lifted her brows.
“Like…public frisky?” Lorenza whispered. Her eyes were wide.
“I mean, you don’t have to,” said Iris. “But if that’s your thing, the Autumnal Feast would be the time to do it.”
My stomach tightened at the memory of what Peregrine and I had done with Merrick. I’d enjoyed the voyeuristic aspect of it, but clearly the sharing part hadn’t worked out for us. I was beginning to think maybe I would just stay back from the Autumnal Feast. My marriage was already in a difficult place.
“Is it like…swinging?” Lorenza asked.
Iris shook her head. “No, no, you’re not allowed swapping partners. It’s not really about that, it’s more about the voyeurism and exhibitionism. And just having a good time in a way you wouldn’t normally without consequences. There’s a strict rule that whatever happens that night is not spoken of and there’s no judgement.”
“And everyone we know goes to this?” I asked.
“Many of them.”
“Oh,” Lorenza said. “Have you and Duran…you know?”
Iris bit her lip, her eyes bright. “Don’t tell anyone,” she whispered. “But last year, Duran went down on me in front of everyone and it was the hottest thing he’s ever done. He loved it.”
Lorenza clapped a hand over her mouth.
“I can’t really see him doing that,” I said.
“It’s just a different world,” Iris said. “I don’t know how to explain it except it feels like the one night a year where you can get away with whatever you want. You know how people say that whatever happens in Vegas stays there?”
“Yeah,” I murmured, my brain spinning.
“Well, whatever happens at the Autumnal Feast, stays in the walls of this house,” she said mysteriously.
We moved onto another topic of conversation, but my mind stayed firmly with the mental image she’d painted. Did Peregrine expect me to fuck him out in the open like that? Would it even matter if everyone else was doing it? Would Peregrine even return for the Autumnal Feast or would it just be me there alone? My stomach clenched. At this point, I was so desperate for him I would have fucked him in public just to get him back.
It was pathetic.
That night I lay on my side, wearing one of his t-shirts. Breathing in his scent. From the first moment, I’d fought against falling for Peregrine Calo. But it was no use resisting anymore.
I’d existed in a state of isolation for so long, content with keeping my feelings bound up in my tower room and my books. Resigned to believe I would ever be loved the way I secretly desired.
Then Peregrine had come along and he was like the sun and I had no choice by to turn my face up to him. To soak in his warmth. To feed off his reckless, shining energy. To lose myself in the fire of his eyes and the endless obsession in his soul. He’d made me so weak when he’d consumed me into his orbit that when he turned away in jealousy, it was like an eclipse.
And I was lost, floating through endless space.
Broken open and burnt out.
I’d assumed he was a benevolent god because he had the face for it. He wasn’t—unless he was a rejected deity cast down to earth. That I could believe. There was a monster in him and I no longer denied my desire for it. Perhaps some people wanted goodness, but I would rather burn than give up my broken angel with a touch that felt like heaven.
As I lay there in the dark, my whole heart made the most painful choice I’d ever made.