Nate stands with a piece of paper before him, which is double-sided and filled with dotted points. “It all started twenty-two years ago when this little turd was brought into my life. I was only one at the time so I have no idea if I was excited or not…probably not, I would have been too focused on shitting in my diaper and having a midday nap to care about this person that was coming into my life. We grew up side by side and I really want to say how much I loved him, but honestly, he was a little shit. He was always getting into mischief and I was always covering for his dumb ass, though I think my parents knew…”
“We knew,” Mom calls out.
Nate aims a devilish grin towards our mom. “Only parts of it,” he promises, making her eyes flick back toward me. “As I was saying, he was hard work, and it only got harder as he got into high school and met Tyson Wilder, his best friend. This is also when he started to notice that tingly feeling downstairs whenever a cute girl would walk by, throw in a bit of underage drinking and some wild parties and we have Jesse Ryder.”
I cringe. Way too many of my employees are sitting in the room for Nate to continue the way he’s going. This isn’t going to end well for me.
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bailed him out of the slammer,” he says as mom’s loud gasp is heard over the top of the three hundred guests, making them all chuckle quietly. “Though one particular time stands out for me.”
I shake my head in horror, knowing exactly what he’s referring to. “Don’t do it, man.”
Nate ignores me just as I knew he would. “It was a beautiful summer’s afternoon and we’d spent the day down at Broken Hill Lake. Jesse was about to start his junior year and for the most part, life was about to get shaken up, though neither of us knew that then,” he adds, glancing across at Tora who at that point in time, hated us both and was about to be relocated to the bedroom down the hall. “Jesse had spent the day wakeboarding and drunk as usual and we were heading to a party. We had to stop for gas. I pumped, went in to pay, and as I came back out, I found Jesse standing butt naked in the middle of the road with an ice cream cone.”
“No, no, no, no, no.” I groan, dropping my head into my hands.
“Some of you might wonder where the hell he got an ice cream cone in the time it took me to get gas, but I can’t fucking tell you because I still haven’t worked it out. What I do know is that by the time it took me to walk from the gas station to the side of the road, there was a cop car sitting in front of him, lighting him up with red and blue flashing lights. Naturally, the cop got out of the car and kindly requested he cover himself up, but with his clothes absolutely nowhere in sight, he did what Jesse does best.”
Kaylah laughs beside me, squeezing my hand as she listens to Nate’s story with bated breath, “What the hell did you do?” she questions, catching Nate’s attention.
“Ahhh, patience there, young one,” Nate tells her with a wide grin. “The best part is coming, but just so you know, my Camaro’s out back if you need to do a runner after this.”
“Get it over and done with,” I beg of him.
“With pleasure,” Nate says, turning back to the intrigued audience. “Those of you who know my brother well and have spent a night out with him where alcohol is involved will know that Jesse Ryder does not do things the easy way. No, he does things the Jesse Ryder way which is exactly why he got that ice cream cone, put his mouth around the rim and sucked the whole scoop of ice cream into his mouth before proceeding to slip the empty cone over his dick, covering it just like the cop had asked while jumping around with his balls out because he had a brain freeze.”
The room roars in laughter as mom gapes at me in horror. I nod, accepting it for what it is, though don’t get me wrong, come Nate’s wedding, I’ll be sure to settle the score.
“Sure enough, the cone was removed and I was able to find a pair of pink bikini bottoms in the back of my car. He slipped them on, still with his balls hanging out, and spent the next few hours in lock up.”
Nate goes on to detail a few more embarrassing moments in my life that have my wife booming with laughter and holding onto her stomach to try and stop the pain. Nate finally starts to wrap things up and I’ve never quite felt relief like it. “Life with Jesse has always been interesting, there has never been a dull moment and despite all the shit he’s put me through, I’m so proud to call him my brother. Kaylah is a very lucky woman to be able to spend the rest of her life with him by her side, and I’m proud to welcome her to the Ryder family. Congratulations to both of you.”