"Maybe," he admitted. "But I was really hard to deal with. And having an inner bear didn't help. My bear was as out of control as I was. Eventually I joined the military because I figured it would help me shape up. And it sort of did—but then I got in over my head again."
He hesitated. Once the words were out, he couldn't take them back.
"I got recruited by a special division looking for volunteers for an elite special forces unit. They told us that we'd need to pass a lot of strenuous tests to get in. Well, of course if you tell that to a bunch of macho twenty-year-olds, you'll get volunteers.
"And they weren't kidding that the tests were rough. What I didn't realize until later was that they were designed to identify shifters. We're stronger, faster, and more durable than normal humans, and we heal faster. A human couldn't have passed some of those tests; it isn't possible. But I didn't know that at the time. I had grown up playing with my brother and sister and our shifter friends in town. Of course we all knew we were supposed to be careful with humans, and not try to win every sports game or accidentally hurt them play-wrestling. But I didn't have a really solid grasp on what humans are capable of compared to us. And I assumed it was going to be hard because we were trying out for an elite unit. So they had us swimming for hours in ice water, undergoing interrogation training that was mainly a test to see how fast we bounced back from being cut or burned, and that kind of thing.
"When we finally made it through, it was all shifters, of course. Because that was the point. Where they put us wasn't into a special forces unit. It wasn't even military. We were still officially enlisted in our various countries' armed forces, but what happened is that we were taken and put in an all-shifter mercenary unit. We had signed up to serve our countries, but we weren't doing that anymore. We were serving as a private militia for rich assholes. We were told that if we toughed it out for the rest of our enlistment term, we'd have our pick of assignments or could just retire, but we knew they were lying because there were people in this all-shifter mercenary unit who had been there for years. That's how I met Dane. He was one of those.
"There weren't very many of them, though. Because the death rate was sky high.
"I thought it was bad, but I figured I could handle it. I didn't want the shame and possible prison sentence that would come with deserting. So instead of serving my country, I belonged to a mercenary unit who were sent out to fight other people's wars.
"And then it got even worse.
"See, they had a lot of discipline problems with us, and a lot of deserters, as you might expect. What they wanted from us was a perfectly obedient shifter army. And in order to do that, they started what they calledtrainingour shifter animals. What they intended to do was condition us so that we'd instantly shift on command and then do whatever we were told in our animal form.
"In order to get us to do that, they put us through a cruel training regimen that was basically meant to break down our animals and build us back up into perfectly obedient attack dogs. They forced us to stay shifted 24/7 with a drug that prevented us from being able to shift back, which I didn't even know existed. It also made us really dizzy and sick, and made it hard to talk to our animal.
"And what they did then was try to break us. But it turns out shifter animals can't be tamed. Our animals just went crazy."
He paused, breathing deeply. Lucy ran a hand up and down his back.
"It's okay," she said gently. "Take your time. You don't have to tell me any more if you don't want to."
"There's not much I can tell," he said after a moment. "My memories get really hazy here. I think after a while my bear just snapped. I don't remember deciding to escape. Several of us ran away together, but Dane and I were the only ones who actually managed to get away—by swimming." He smiled slightly. "At that time, we were being held on an island in the North Atlantic. It's a good thing that cold, iceberg-filled water isn't a problem for either orcas or polar bears. The other shifters, big cats and other kinds of bears, wouldn't have made it. And I probably wouldn't have made it if not for Dane."
"He's a—what was it you said? Orcas?"
"An orca. A killer whale." Eren winced. "Please don't tell him I told you. Or tell anyone, needless to say. It's a big taboo to reveal that someone else is a shifter. It's just that it's hard to talk about my story without talking about Dane, too. This is one reason why I haven't been able to tell my family. I promised Dane I'd keep him a secret from everyone else. He's afraid of being caught and sent back."
"I understand." Lucy smiled a little. "I'm good at keeping secrets. There's one more about me I haven't told you yet, and I will, but please finish your story first."
"There's not much else to tell. I owe Dane, big time. He could have left me out there in the ocean to drown, but he didn't. I have hazy memories of swimming until I was exhausted and then being carried on his back. After a while, we got back to land, and we just lived as our animals for a while, as the drug worked its way out of our systems and we slowly got our human minds back.
"Once Dane and I both relearned how to shift back, we talked. He didn't even remember where he came from originally; his life before the mercenaries was nothing but a blur to him. From what he did remember, he said that in the beginning it started out more like a regular unit of mercs, just with all shifters. But over time, it got more and more messed up, until he was the only one of his old squadmates who was still alive."
"So you invited him to come home with you?" Lucy asked.
"Yeah. I wish he would have come all the way into town, where the town's protective magic would keep him safe if they ever try to recapture him. But he can't really stand to be around people anymore. Everything that happened to me was a hundred times worse for him. I knew about the old cabin on the island, and suggested that maybe he could live there for a while. At least he didn't just swim off and disappear somewhere. I keep halfway expecting it, every time I go out there. I keep thinking I'll find the cabin deserted and Dane gone. But he stays, for now anyway."
They sat together in companionable quiet for a little while, leaning against each other. Rain poured on the roof and the deck. Lucy wrapped her hand around Eren's, lacing her fingers through his, and held it against her knee. She kissed his cheek.
"I can see why you believe in the protection magic on the town now," she said. "After all you've seen and been through."
Her curls tickled his cheek. She smelled nice, like something soft and sweet, a subtle perfume that was just the female smell of her.
"Yes," Eren said. He squeezed her hand. "But I don't know how strong it truly is. I don't know much we can get away with pushing it. They know you're there now, and they're probably going to keep trying."
"I don't want to bring danger to your family," Lucy said in a small voice. "I can go—"
"No!" His animal leaped in protective alarm at the thought; it was as if every part of him protested the idea of having her away from his side, out in the world, with people hunting her. "No. Never. I'm not leaving you to deal with this alone, Lucy. We'll find a way."
Lucy looked overwhelmed. She clasped his hands, started to speak, then stopped.
Carefully, Eren took her into his arms. She did not pull away; instead she leaned into him with grateful relief, wrapping herself around him as if she wanted to melt into him.
It was as gloriously wonderful as he had thought it would be. She was warm and cuddly and soft and female, and her closeness filled him with an urgent mix of protectiveness and desire. He wanted to hold her forever and keep her safe. He wanted to lay her back on the quilt covering the bunk and undress her one item at a time and worship her gorgeous body, make every part of her sing with pleasure ...