“What’s wrong with me, Max?” I cry into his strong chest. “Why does this keep happening? Am I not enough?”
The words break me but they seem to hurt him more. “Baby, you’re so much more than just enough. You’re fucking everything.”
“Then why? Why would he cheat? I thought he really liked me. I wanted this to work.”
Max shakes his head as his hand trails over the back of my hair, lending me every little bit of his strength. “I can’t answer for him, Brooke.”
My heart shatters. There’s got to be something wrong with me. A reason why men can’t see me as someone to value. I raise my head and look up at Maxen, taking in his dark, haunted eyes. “Then what’s wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to be loved? What did I do so wrong to make you want someone else so badly?”
Maxen looks ready to break, but he holds it together, knowing I need this. “Fuck, babe,” he says with his heart on his sleeve. “You’re fucking perfect. You did nothing wrong. It was me. I was scared.”
My brows furrow as I search his eyes for some kind of explanation. “I don’t…I don’t understand.”
He gives me a tight smile and it’s almost as though he’s trying to convince himself to carry on. “I saw my whole fucking life with you, Brooke. I saw us after high school moving in together, having a family, and getting hitched. I was fucking crazy about you. You were my girl and I was so proud of it, but at the same time, seeing that we were becoming something so serious terrified me. I was going nowhere in life. I was just some dickhead school kid living off his parents’ estate, while you had the whole world waiting at your feet. I wasn’t good enough for you. You needed a man, and I was afraid that I was never going to live up to it.”
“So, you just slept with someone else?” I scoff as another tear rolls down my cheek.
Max nods, looking sick to his stomach about the actions he made in high school. “I did,” he says. “And you’ll never understand just how much I wish I could take that back. You meant the world to me and I crushed you because I was too fucking scared to step up and be the man that you needed. I should have fought for you, Brooke, because you’re fucking worth it. Every little bit of you is worth fighting for.”
I drop my head back to his chest, having heard enough. While his words are honest and from his heart, they’re really not doing much to ease the pain. In fact, all they’re doing is opening old wounds and reminding me that I have way too many unresolved issues where Max is concerned.
Despite his words, I’ve never felt so worthless. Am I just that girl that guys use to get what they want? Am I that easy? Before Maxen, I used to be so proud. In fact, I was that easy girl and I loved it. Friday and Saturday night parties were my jam. I would dance and enjoy life, not giving a shit who took me to bed as long as he respected me and my body. I was in charge of my heart and nobody could get close enough to hurt it, not until I allowed Maxen in and ever since he destroyed me, I’ve been desperately searching for love in all the wrong places. I guess everyone I meet is always going to be compared to Maxen. He’s the one I have up on a pedestal and the one I refuse to take off it.
I don’t know why though, he’s already proved to me that I can’t trust him, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to move on. Maybe it’s the curse of never forgetting your first love, or maybe it’s something more.
Damn, knowing my luck, it’s probably something more. I’m probably still in love with the guy, but my anger and hurt have always clouded my other emotions.
I never allowed myself a chance to grieve our relationship and I never allowed myself to move on. I always just wanted to hate him because it was easier than dealing with the pain, but after last night, last summer, and moving in day, that hatred has begun to dwindle down to a barely noticeable buzz, leaving my heart feeling so much lighter.
Fuck. I’m totally still in love with him.
I can’t be. No, it’s just gratitude for looking out for me last night and showing me a little compassion during a tough time. Yep, that’s definitely it. I am not still in love with Maxen Ryder. That would be ridiculous.
Maxen has always been there for me, he just has a weird way of showing it, but lately, it’s become a lot more obvious and I find myself craving his attention.