“I’m not ready to leave you yet, but I have to go handle some stuff for the club,” he answers, and I know why he’s so upset. He’s going to have to go out on a run, and from the way he looks, this isn’t going to be a one-day kind of thing. He’s going to be out for a bit, maybe even longer than a week.
“I’m not ready to be left, but I get it. Duty calls.” I shrug and lean up to kiss his lips.
I don’t want him to ever feel like he has to choose between the club and me. I know how important this club is to him and the rest of his life. This isn’t just a bunch of men riding around on motorcycles. These people are his family, and sometimes he has to leave in order to make sure that his family is okay.
He pulls his hands up to my face and peers into my eyes as if he wants me to see exactly what he’s feeling.
“I’ll be back as soon as possible. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, of course, I do.” I look away again, trying not to let him see me cry.
Even though I know he has to do this run, and I’m trying to make sure that he’s not feeling bad about doing what he has to do, I must admit I’m going to miss him always being around.
Over the last few days, we’ve basically been at each other’s throats. It’s not the best way for us to leave each other.
“So, why so sad?” he asks me, and I have to think of something besides telling him that I don’t want him to leave me.
“Nothing, I’m just in my feelings. Besides, I’m going to have friends here, right? Giada’s staying?” I ask, just making sure that she’s not going out to ride as well.
“Yeah, she’ll be here. You two always did get along. I’m sure that you two can take this time to catch up,” he says and then snaps his mouth shut as if he’d said something that he wasn’t supposed to say.
Why would Giada and I need to catch up? I just saw her the other day. Did something happen between now and then that I didn’t know about?
“I do like her. Maybe it’s hard for her to talk to me because she’s pregnant. I don’t want her to avoid me just because we lost our baby. Is it weird that in my mind, I named her Lily?” I chuckle, but Muffler chokes on his own spit.
“No . . .” He clears his throat, “No, that’s not weird at all. I like it.”
I want to ask him why the strange reaction, but I don’t want to push. I watch as he gets what he needs to pack up ready and give him a quick kiss as he walks out of the door.
I’m praying that everything’s going to be okay and he’ll come back in one piece, but I know that every time any of the club members walk out, there’s a chance that they may not come back.
I need to do something to distract myself, and I choose a magazine that I’ve already read about thirty times to do that.
It’s not doing anything to distract me. I wish I had my phone. Then at least, I’d be able to call Muffler and make sure that he’s okay.
When a knock jerks me out of my daydream, I basically jump to open the door. I’d talk to an imaginary friend right now if they showed up.
I pull the door open and see Giada standing there.
I looked her over, and if I didn’t already know she was pregnant, I wouldn’t have known. She has a small little pooch, but that’s it.
“Hey, come in. Sit,” I say, and she gives me a smile before she comes in and starts to play with the dogs.
“What’s up?” I ask her when I get myself settled on the bed, sitting with my legs crossed.
“Well, I don’t want to stress you out, and I know everyone is basically just trying to make sure that we all are okay, but somehow, I feel like you’re avoiding me. Like, we see each other, and you go the other way. I thought we were friends. I hate that we can’t just come talk to each other. I could really use a friend right now.”
Oh, no. I didn’t think I was pushing other people away. I knew I was being a bitch to Muffler, but I thought everyone else was spared my wrath.
“It’s not you, Giada. I promise you that. I was just talking to Muffler before he left about spending some time with you while they were away. It’s just hard,” I admit.
“Because?”
“The baby, Giada. I see you and wonder what you’re going through. I wonder how you’re feeling today. I wonder what it feels like to go through those things. I want it. I’m not trying to be envious, but deep down, I know I am. I want what you have so badly, and it feels like my time is running out.”
“No!” Giada pulls me into a hug, and I cry against her shoulder. It feels so good to just have someone that I can just lay my head on and let go. “Beretta, trust me, you have time.”
“I don’t know, but it feels like Muffler’s pulling away from me. Like something is off between us.”