“You think it’s a picnic for me? I tried to talk to you, but you just shut down. Now I gotta wait for you to be ready to open up about what’s really going on.”
I stop her from walking by standing right in front of her. “Be ready? I’m never going to be ready to lose you. I’m never going to be ready to tell you anything that I know is going to hurt you. I want to have kids with you. I want to give you everything, but what if we can’t? What if we lose another child? I don’t think I can go through seeing you hurt like that again. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m fuckin’ petrified that this shit isn’t going to work out, and now that you’ve just gone through being in a coma and the rest of the bullshit, all I want is for you to be okay. I feel like you’re trying to jump right over being okay into being a mother, and it doesn’t work like that. You have to grieve. I have to grieve. I just don’t want to move too fast into another heartache.”
I shove my hands into my pockets and close my eyes to wait for her to respond. When she doesn’t after a minute, I open them back up and look at her.
“Say something.”
“What is there for me to say? You’re not wrong, Muffler. Shit is going fast. I know it, but I also know that I feel like I have a lot of time to make up for. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I just know I don’t want to wait ten years to try again. This is what I need right now, and I need you to be on board. Shit’s going to be hard, but I think we can do it together. You need to trust me the way that I trust you.” She puts a gentle hand on my cheek, and I feel like absolute shit.
Ten years.
She’s waited longer than ten years to try again. All because I couldn’t be man enough to stay around and fight through the hard times that came after the miscarriage. I was a pussy, and I know it.
“Come on, we need to get back. Boss wanted to talk to me about some things,” I say, doing my best to change the subject. There’s no way for me to fix this right now. Not when I know the truth.
I’m going to hurt her no matter what I do, and from the way she’s talking right now, it seems like I’ll hurt her a lot sooner than I thought.
* * *
“Everyone focus. I know we had an intense night,” Boss says as she looks at everyone at church.
I was surprised when she called church the minute Beretta, and I came back. I was sure she’d want to hash whatever her plan was out with me first, but I’m not one to go against her process.
There are some grumbles, but everyone affirms.
“Good, well, here’s the deal. After doing some digging, we found out that the cultists are indeed back on the scene. No women have come up missing yet, but we all know it’s only a matter of time. We can’t let this shit get out of hand like the last time.”
“Fuck no. Are we going on the offensive?” Abyss asks.
“Absolutely. We need to remind those assholes once again whose town this is. We still need to make sure home is okay too, so not all of us will be working this unless the cultists decide to test their luck.”
I already know what’s going to happen before Boss looks in my direction.
“Muffler, you, Abyss, Mug, and Reno will be handling this.”
“Boss, what about—” Hoodrat speaks up, but Boss puts her hand up to stop him.
“He’s got it. We need life to move on, and this is one way to do it. We all need to step up where Beretta is concerned.” She looks at everyone before she turns her gaze back on me, “You got this, Muffler?”
“Yeah. I got it.” I nod, and Mug slaps me on the back in support.
Heading up this mission means I’m going to have to take a step back from Beretta. It means I might not be around when her memories come back. I can’t watch her forever, no matter what might happen because of it. It’s time for my life to come back to the present, and I just pray that everything will turn out for the better.
CHAPTERTWELVE
Beretta
Now I feel like a complete piece of shit. It’s not like what Muffler says is wrong or that his concerns are valid, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I need to continue with my plan.
I’m determined to be a little nicer to him about everything that’s going on. He’s under a lot of stress, and even though I’m the one going through all this shit, I can’t forget that he’s hurting too.
When he walks into the room, I see the disappointment on his face.
“Not a good meeting, then?” I ask, giving him a small smile as I walk over. All I want right now is to be in his arms.
He relaxes slightly when I lean into him.
“So, how did it go?” I ask.