I’d have thirty fucking babies with her if it made her happy, but I know that I’m so conflicted because she still doesn’t know anything that’s really going on. My woman loves me, but she loves the version of me she knew eleven years ago. She doesn’t love the man I’ve turned into. The same man I am right here and now, because she doesn’t know that man.
“Muffler!”
I jump when I see Boss at the other end of the bar. “You deaf or something?” Her eyebrows are pinched in, and she’s got her arms crossed over her chest.
“Shit, my bad. What’s up?”
“I’ve been calling you for like a full damn minute. You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m straight, Boss. What’s goin’ on?” I ask her again, trying to get focused on whatever it is she needs from me.
“Nah, come with me.” She gestures with her hands, and I follow behind her to her office.
“Muffler, what’s going on with you? Over the past few days, it’s like you’ve been in a whole other world.” She leans against her desk and waits for me to explain. It’s not really any of her damn business, but she’s my Prez, so I have to answer her. At the end of the day, she’s quite literally the boss.
“Boss, I’m going out of my mind. I’m losing the entire fuckin’ scheme of what’s supposed to be going on with Beretta. I know I’m supposed to be waiting for her to get her memory back. Makin’ this shit easy on her, but I don’t think I want her to get her memory back. I don’t want her to go back to thinking that she and I aren’t together anymore.”
I pause for a few moments and take a couple of deep breaths before I continue.
“It’s like I’m waiting every second of the fuckin’ day for her to get that look of fuckin’ hatred in her eyes, but now it feels like she’s going to hate me, no matter what I do. I don’t know if you figured it out or if someone told you, but she really wants to try again for another baby. She wants to try like yesterday, and I’m down for that, but what happens if it works? She gets pregnant, and a month from now or two months from now, or next year she remembers everything, and we lose another baby? What happens when she realizes I’ve been holding all this shit back from her and acting like we were still in a committed relationship when we called it quits years ago? I don’t know what the hell I’m doin’ anymore, and I hate that I feel like no matter what I do, I’m going to end up hurtin’ her. She doesn’t deserve any more pain. Especially not from me.”
Boss looks down for a minute as if she’s deep in thought. She lets out a sigh and looks back up at me.
“First of all, there’s no one here who thinks you’d ever do anything to hurt Beretta. Not even fuckin’ Hoodrat, and that’s her brother. Secondly, I feel like an ass for letting you take this shit on by yourself.”
Instantly I’m offended by her words. I’m not going to go against her, though this isn’t one of those fights I need to have right now with my president.
“Not that you can’t handle it, but this shit would be heavy for anyone. Not just you. We’re a family, and we should’ve taken on more of a role to help you with this. To help her. Beretta’s our family as well. “
“So, what are you suggesting? We all sit down and tell her what’s going on because the doctor made it clear that we’re not supposed to do that.”
“No, we’re not going to tell her, but we’re going to take some of the weight off you. First things first, I think you need a little bit of a distraction.”
“A distraction? What do you mean?” I ask.
“You’ll see. Go upstairs and check on your woman. Go for a walk. Get rid of some of this excess energy.”
“All right,” I reply, not sure what the hell Boss has up her sleeve, but she has something up it. I don’t know what Boss has planned, but I trust her to take care of business when it needs to be handled.
I walk up to my bedroom, and I see Beretta sliding on her sneakers. The leashes in her hand.
“You takin’ them for a walk?” I ask, and she nods.
It feels so odd with her right now. Instead of moving forward, we’re taking steps back in our relationship.
“Can I come with you?”
“Sure, why not?” she says with a shrug as she gives me one of the slip-on leashes. I put it around Hattie’s neck, and Beretta gets Lila.
We walk out, and Hoodrat watches us leave but doesn’t say anything. I haven’t talked to him recently about how he’s feeling, but I’m sure he’s just as worried about Beretta as I am.
Ten minutes into the walk, neither Beretta nor I have said anything to each other, almost like we don’t know what to say.
How the fuck did we get here?
Finally, I can’t take it anymore.
“Beretta, I hate this,” I grit out between clenched teeth.