“Oh yeah, that one is Hattie, and this one is Lila.” I rub Lila’s face, and she licks my hand.
The smaller dog must be all finished playing for the day because she drops down right at Iris’ feet, her tongue wagging out, waiting for more love.
Iris strokes the small dog.
“What made you two get the dogs? Not that I mind. I love animals,” Iris asks and looks up at me.
I don’t know how Muffler feels about telling everyone what’s going on with us, but I’d really like someone else to talk to.
“Actually, we went to the doctor to find out when I could start trying to have a baby. Somehow, we ended up with two puppies,” I joke, and Iris’ eyebrows shoot up.
“Do you think he did that because he doesn’t want to have kids? I can’t believe that,” she says in shock.
“I don’t know. He and I really haven’t talked about it. I’m scared to ask him straight out.”
“Scared to ask me what?” Muffler’s voice booms from the doorway.
Both Iris and I turn to look at him, staring at me.
“That’s my cue to go.” Iris stands and swiftly walks out.
Muffler comes to stand where she had been, and I cross my arms over my chest.
I didn’t want to pressure Muffler, but this is really weighing heavy on my mind. I know losing a baby is hard, but that doesn’t mean I want it to stop me from ever experiencing it.
“Muffler. I love the dogs, and I know you weren’t saying that we should have animals instead of children, but I need you to be honest with me. Come straight out with it. Do you not want kids?”
“I already told you that I did want them.”
I lift my chin and get closer to his space, “Fine. I want to start trying now. As soon as possible.”
He takes a step back, and that’s exactly what I was afraid of. He’s not on the same page as me.
“Beretta, you’re still hurt. We can just . . .”
“No, I don’t want to take any time. I don’t want to wait until the perfect moment. I want to do it now. Either you’re with me, or you’re not, but I need you to tell me.”
He opens his mouth a few times like he wants to say something but can’t think of the words, and it’s enough for me. I hate that we’re stuck here, but then again, I need him to understand just how serious I am about this.
“Muffler, just . . . I need some time alone, okay? Go on downstairs. I’ll talk to you in a few.” I turn my back on him.
“Beretta, please don’t—”
“Muffler, just go!” I yell at him, trying my hardest to keep the tears that want to fall inside. I don’t want him to feel bad, not after all he’s done for me.
“Fine.” He turns, and when I hear the slam of the stairwell door, I break down. Both Hattie and Lila come running over to me and snuggle up as closely as they can to me.
I’m tired of being in the dark, of being patient. I want to be a mother, and it breaks my heart to see that Muffler isn’t as open to it as I am. I just hope he changes his mind soon, or I don’t think he and I will be able to get past this.
We just lost our child, and the last thing I can imagine is losing him too.
CHAPTERELEVEN
Muffler
It’s been days since Beretta and I had that small blow-up fight on the roof, and even though she’s still being as nice as possible, she’s not being as open as she was with me a few days ago. I know she’s waiting on me to decide whether I want to go ahead with having a kid.
Everything in me says that I am, but my head’s a mess right now.