“It’s like the monsters in Monsters, Inc., they are monsters, we don’t have to know what kind of monsters they are, but we know they are monsters, so we know what they are,” Riley reasoned.
“No we don’t,” Dez replied. “For one, monsters aren’t real unlike animals, and secondly, some of them are cute, so technically, even though they are called monsters, they’re adorable and thus not monstrous at all.”
“How about The Grinch?” Zakk offered. “He’s got to be considered a what the fuck.”
“Okay, yeah, I’ll give you that.”
“Ren and Stimpy,” Tripp said.
“No fuckin’ way!” Riley shot back. “Ren is a dog and Stimpy is a cat.”
“How can you tell?” Tripp replied.
“How can you not!” Riley replied, sitting up so abruptly his knee hit the coffee table and jostled their drinks. “Ren is clearly a chihuahua!”
“That is the most fucked up looking chihuahua ever.”
“That’s the point. Besides, have you ever actually looked at a chihuahua? They look like little aliens with those big bug eyes and ears that are bigger than their faces,” Riley said. “Ren is the perfect example of a demented chihuahua and Stimpy is obviously an overweight cat.”
“How is he a cat when he doesn’t have a tail?” Tripp asked. “Ren at least has a tail, so okay, maybe he’s a dog, but Stimpy is not a cat.”
“Then what is he?”
“My number two vote in the what the fuck is it category.”
“Which would make you wrong,” Damien supplied, holding up his tablet for all of them to see. “His name is Stimpson J. Cat. Thus, he is a cat. A big fat cat. And incidentally, he had a tail in the first season, at least according to this.”
“Bullshit! Show me one picture not fan drawn of Stimpy with a tail!”
While Damien busied himself searching for one, Zakk threw another monkey wrench into the already muddied debate.
“Can we really compare cartoons to puppets?”
“Why can’t we?”
“Just that, well, if we’re going to say Animal is the best what the fuck, then are we saying that the other monsters aren’t what the fucks? What about Oscar? Or Elmo.”
“Elmo is too cute to be a monster and Oscar is a grouch, which, is a monster,” Riley said.
“Okay, so Burt and Ernie are people? But if Big Bird and Snuffleupagus are a bird and a wooly mammoth, what does that make Cookie Monster?”
“A monster!” Tripp and Dez replied.
“A better question would have been who’s the best pig, or the best monster, or even the best dragon,” Zakk declared.
“Puff!” Dez said.
“Hands down, one hundred percent, Puff.” Riley said.
“No love for Falcor? What’s wrong with you two. Who wouldn’t want a flying luck dragon?” Tripp declared.
“I hate to break it to you all but the Jabberwocky is the best dragon” Damien declared.
Riley snorted and snagged a dried pineapple from the bowl on the table in front of him. “He doesn’t even do anything, he’s just the subject of a poem.”
“Toothless is the best dragon.” Zakk said.
“Screw that Mushu was the best dragon and the luckiest too,” James chimed in.