“Well, I see someone enjoys being a contradiction,” Tripp remarked, his tone dry and even. Zakk was glad he wasn’t trying to egg things on, but why did it sound like Winter knew more than anyone else in the room besides Dez who still wouldn’t look at him.
“Look, I have no plans to go anywhere,” Dez said. “I’m fully invested in this band and committed to seeing how far we can go.”
“Until something changes and you shatter another phone,” Riley said. “Makes me wonder how it was you still had Koda’s information to send him Rocktoberfest tickets when you can’t seem to keep track of anyone else you’ve encountered on the road.”
A small smile played over Dez’s lips. “He wrote it on my notebook.”
Chuckling, all Zakk could do was shake his head and let out a shaky exhale. “Because he knew you wouldn’t throwthataway. Is that what we need to do or wouldn’t it matter? After all, you could have taken a sharpie to it.”
“Didn’t want to.”
“That’s something I guess.”
“Why are you making this matter when it doesn’t need to?” Dez asked.
“Because you borderline lied to us,” Riley said. “And the worst part is you can’t see it.”
“Maybe because he’s gotten so good at erasing pieces of his past.”
“Yeah, you might wanna spill your guts before this gets ugly,” Winter urged.
When Dez nodded, Zakk felt like he could breathe a little easier. “Remember when my uncle pulled me aside right before I got in the RV with you guys, and how he sabotaged my bike?”
“Vividly,” Riley remarked, making a go on motion with his hand.
“He wanted to remind me to take my meds and to tell you guys what I was on.”
“Which, you did, you told me,” Zakk said. “Granted, it was only after I noticed something off with you, but you still told me, James, and the rest of the band once you were comfortable doing it.”
“Yeah well, a year at home helped me develop a routine so they weren’t getting skipped the way they’d been when I was on the road with the Saints.”
A sudden look of understanding crossed Riley’s face. “You never told the guys in Saint’s Seduction.”
Dez’s head was down, his hair hanging in his eyes, while he’d drawn his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, sitting huddled on that swaying mattress like he was all alone in the world. Water lapped over the sides; the edges curled up like it was going to close around him. “Pretty much.”
“Why?”
Of course, Dez tried to shrug it off.
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s not something I like to tell people about.”
“There’re people, and then there’s family. A band is supposed to be like a family and the people you’re on the road with day in and day out should be able to keep an eye out for when something is off with you. You never gave them that chance,” Riley said.
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say you were deep in your head, in some dark corner someplace where you kept picking at all your presumed faults when they asked you to step back.”
“Look I’m not going to blame it on….” Dez began, but no way in hell was Zakk letting that go unchecked.
“It’s not about blame, it’s about mindset! But that doesn’t explain why you never just came out and admitted it to them.”
“Because it didn’t matter. They’d made their choice and I made mine!”
“In other words, you were hurt, and you found a way to hurt them back,” Tripp said.
There was disappointment on some faces, disapproval on others. When had Damien shown up….and James? Guess that was everyone then, no need to rehash this moment once they were finished with it. Getting things out in the open was helpful but resolving it once and for all would be the best thing for the plans they’d been laying out. Though when Dez finally did look up, it was straight at Tripp, with all the fury and menace that made him a scary dude sometimes.
“Whatever problem you have with me, we need to take a walk and settle it,” Dez growled. “I’m sick of your shit. I’m sick of you looking at me like I’m dirt on your shoes. You’ve had an issue with me since the night we met!”