He walked away, slowly, as if every step was a struggle. His words bounced from the walls of my psyche, summoning the images of when I wallowed in grief, plagued by blame after Adam’s death. I knew what Adrian meant by“I came to apologise and say goodbye”.
The envelope in my hand was his suicide note. He was prepared, as if this time he wasn’t trying to trick Nadia into taking him back. His mind was made, and the clock was ticking.
No matter his intentions or the reason behind the decision, Nadia would need months, years, maybe, to overcome the guilt.
“Adrian.”
He spun around, holding onto his side, his face twisted with pain.
“You don’t get to say goodbye.” I gave him the note back. “I won’t talk you out of this. All I care is that regardless of what you end up doing, you make sure Nadia won’t have a single reason to blame herself. You owe her that. She’s been through enough.”
Adrian glanced down at the envelope smeared with his own blood, a battle raging in his head. Fresh tears escaped his black eyes, and his body shuddered. He sucked in a harsh breath, straightened his back as much as pain allowed.
“Accidents happen,” he said, shoving the letter back in his pocket.
One foot in front of the other, he walked away toward the main road. A crowd of people leaving the concert venue engulfed him moments later.
Adrenaline levels in my system halved within seconds, physical pain of my bruised, bloodied wrists registered in my brain.
“That’s the last time we saw him.” I turned toward the emergency exit so I could wash up before heading home.
Nick didn’t budge. He stared into the distance, his eyes unseeing as if he couldn’t process the facts fast enough.
“You just gave him permission to kill himself,” he said, his voice filled with disbelief, worry and relief all at once.
“Do you really think he needs permission?” I pulled the metal door open. “Even if he did, do you think I give a fuck? If he wants to die, then so be it, but he doesn’t get to make it look like a sacrifice for Nadia. It isn’t. He just can’t fucking handle what he did when he’s sober.”
No sane person would be able to live with the enormity of Adrian’s sins resting on their shoulders. I had a feeling that the first two or three times, Adrian used drugs for purely recreational reasons.
Later, he realised the high had two sides. It sparked violence, but also, for a short time it numbed guilt and blurred the memories of him hurting the girl he loved.
Drugs became his escape, the cause of his downfall and the temporary anaesthetic to his screaming mind.
CHAPTER 26
THOMAS
Shock
An unsettling thought squeezed my heart once I washed my bloodied hands in the restroom at the venue. Nadia was accustomed to violence, and although she never showed how much it affected her, the panic attacks, trembling hands, and nightmares were proof enough.
My blood ran cold when the image of her moving away from me, fear in her eyes flashed before my eyes. There was no guessing her reaction, no anticipating her moves, and I dreaded seeing fear in her eyes. We wouldn’t be able to move past that.
Nadia sat in the living room, a glass of wine in her hand when I arrived home. She was lost in thought and hadn’t noticed me come in, but Scorpio did. He looked up, question marks in his eyes.
“Thank you,” I told him.
Nadia’s head snapped to me, but she didn’t move.
“Anytime.” Scorpio rose to his feet. “Call me if you need me.”
He patted my shoulder on his way out, and the door closed behind him seconds later.
“What happened?” Nadia asked, her voice small. “Is he…”
“He’s gone.” I lingered in the doorway. “He won’t bother you again, baby doll. How are you feeling?”
Instead of her, I watched the floor beneath her feet. She stood, came closer and cupped my face, forcing me to look into her eyes.