A cloud of smoke appeared before us, and Adrian reached to get a cigarette out of the packet, even though he quit smoking the day he quit PCP. It was better than drugs, but the fact that he caved planted a seed of doubt in my head.
“It was a great date,” I admitted, “but somewhere along the way it started to define me. It’s no longer a fond memory of our date. It’s a description of who I became, Adrian. You might not realise it, but you’ve been pulling my strings for a long time.”
He shifted in his place, turning his body my way, and resting his shoulder against the brick wall.
“You feel manipulated?”
The surprise in his voice was believable, but his eyes betrayed the truth. He knew exactly what he was doing. Whether he realised the extent of his power, I wasn’t sure, but the fact he did it knowingly was more than I could stomach.
“We both need saving for different reasons and from different things. You need saving from drugs, and I…”
“You need saving from me,” he muttered, his tone bitter.
“No. I need saving from myself because I’m the only thing that stops me from healing.” I took his hand, lacing our fingers. “You’re stronger than you realise. I’m not the one keeping you clean; you’re doing that by yourself. You just want me here because you hope we can be together.”
He squeezed my hand and drew me to his side, resting his chin on my head. Cigarette smoke mixed with the strong notes of cedar and bergamot in his cologne. It was new. He used to use one that smelled of mint and oranges. Either he decided to make a sudden change, or he realised that smells were a big trigger and consciously avoided anything that could trigger my panic attack.
“I love you,” he whispered, draping his hand over my collarbones.
“I know, but I don’t love you anymore. Too much has happened, and I’m tired, Adrian. I’m tired of fear and pain. I’m tired of tears. I’ll stay as long as you need me to, but please stop hoping for more, because we won’t ever be more.”
A single tear dropped onto my hair, and no more words were spoken. We stayed outside for a while, staring in silence at the last sun rays finding their way between the tall buildings.
My mouth felt like a Sahara desert. The clock on the nightstand showed two a.m., and although I was warm and cosy under the duvet, I swung my feet over the side of the bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Cold December air had nothing on the heating regime at Ty’s apartment. It was a twenty-first birthday gift, all bills paid for. Twenty-two degrees Celsius was the norm, so I didn’t need a robe to keep warm when I opened the bedroom door, and tip-toed into the hallway, careful not to wake anyone.
“She’ll never love you the way she used to.”
Ty’s voice sounded from the living room. I stopped, pressing my back to the wall. Shame washed over me, but I turned back, too curious about Adrian’s answer.
“What if all she needs is time? I can’t lose her, Ty. She’s the first girl I loved, and the last one I will ever love for sure.”
Ty chuckled. “You’re young, man. You’ve got at least fifty more years here. Nadia’s the first, but she’s not the last. You haven’t used in months! You’ve got this. You don’t need her to stay on track.”
Ty—always the one to take my side. We were a living and breathing proof that male-female friendships could work.
“I can’t imagine not having her around,” Adrian admitted. “God,” he let out a long sigh, “I can’t believe we’re here. She was everything I wanted. She still is, but she’s not happy, and it’s killing me.”
“Then let hergo.”
I chanced a glance around the corner. Adrian sat on the sofa, his head buried in his hands. Ty stood by the kitchen island, with a focused, determined look on his face.
“You can do this without her, Adrian. I’ll be here to help you, justpleaselet her go. She deserves better than this. You know I’m right. You had your chance, and you blew it over and over again. Let her go.”
Adrian scoffed. “Let her go tohim?He might be better for her than I am, but Ihatethe guy.”
“Hecan take care of her. He makes her happy. Isn’t that what you want? For her to be happy, even if it isn’t with you?” Ty walked across the room, and the wing chair complained under his weight. “Who knows? Maybe a few years down the line you’ll meet again and decide you can’t live without one another, but right now is not the time.”
“I know,” Adrian sighed, arching back, his hands knotted on the top of his head. “Too much has happened. I shouldn’t expect her to love me. I just… Ican’tsee myself getting through this without her. She’s the only reason I stopped using.”
“That’s what you want to believe, but if it were true, you would’ve stopped the first time you hit her. You stopped because your mother bribed the doctors and had you admitted against your will. Now, you’re just playing the ‘clean’ card to make Nadia stay.”
For the longest time, silence rang in the room. I stood plastered to the wall, my breathing shallow, until Adrian rose from the couch, and his heavy footsteps tapped on the wooden floor.
That was my cue to move. The moment I pulled the covers up to my chin, the door to my bedroom cracked open. Adrian crawled into the bed, and laid behind me, placing the softest kiss on my temple.
My eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” I whispered.
“Sorry I woke you,” he said, his voice small as if something was stuck in his throat. “Can I stay with you tonight?”