I placed the phone on the counter, my eyes glued to Nadia. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and bit on it hard.
“I’m scared,” she whispered, the sincerity of her words undeniable.
My chest squeezed painfully. “To accept that he’s gone?”
She shook her head, crossing the room, and pressed herself against my side, fisting my shirt. “I’m scared because I don’t feel anything. I’m waiting for the grief to catch up, but it’s not here. I’m just numb.” A few tears fell from her eyes, and she wiped them with a sleeve of her black jumper. “What is wrong with me?” she choked.
I pressed a kiss to her forehead, hiding her in my arms, relieved that she began to relax. Despite her unnatural state, her reaction to my touch was still natural.
“You’re in shock, baby. Once that wears off, you will feel. Be it sadness or anger… it’ll come,” I muttered, stroking her hair. “You need to let yourself mourn.”
She clung to me like a small, frightened child all day. We laid on the couch under a blanket. The TV was on to fill the silence, but neither of us paid any attention. We barely spoke, and with each passing hour, I worried about her more.
She fell back asleep around five in the afternoon, her face partially hidden under the blanket, face pale, dark circles under her eyes. I didn’t dare move, neither when my phone rang in the kitchen, nor when someone knocked on the door an hour later.
Nick had enough common sense to let himself in. He walked into the living room, and I pressed my index finger to my lips so he would keep his voice down.
“She’s asleep,” I explained, assessing our position to see if I could move away without waking her.
It took effort, but I scrambled off the couch and followed Nick into the kitchen, closing the door behind us.
“How is she?” he asked, placing a bottle of vodka on the counter.
I lit a cigarette, rubbing my face. “Still the same. Numb and scared because she doesn’t feel anything.” I let out a long sigh. “I’m fucking scared, too. She’s almost indifferent, and I don’t know what to do.”
Nick poured two drinks, and passed on to me, staring at the door behind my back.
“You said it. She’s in shock. Give her time.”
“It’s been twelve hours.”
Nick scoffed. “How long did it take you to accept that Adam was gone? Three days, right? Twelve hours is nothing, Thomas. I mean, he already tried to kill himself twice.”
I took another long drag and pinched the ash into an ashtray. “Do you think she’s waiting to hear that he is okay?”
“I don’t know. All I’m saying is…”
A spine-chilling wail stopped Nick mid-sentence. My body turned rigid, Nadia’s screams like pins in my eardrums. I jumped to my feet, running out of the kitchen.
She sat on the couch, clutching the blanket, rocking back and forth, a full-blown panic attack in progress.
Worry didn’t register in my brain. I was grateful.
I knew what to do. I knew how to help her.
CHAPTER 27
NADIA
Do-overs
Shock wore off and all the feelings associated with losing someone that was a big part of your life crushed me the moment I opened my eyes. A heart-braking wail came from my lips, my body cold and fragile.
Instead of the worst moments of my relationship with Adrian, my mind pushed the best ones to the front, magnifying the sorrow.
Every smile Adrian brought to my lips resurfaced; every kiss played out before my eyes; every affectionate word rang in my ears.
The walls were closing in, my chest so tight I couldn’t breathe, but somehow, I remained grounded in Thomas’s living room, clutching the fluffy blanket to my chest that was ripped wide open.