“Then what does matter?”
“You.”
11
GIO
Ican feel my heart trying to hide somewhere deeper in my body. Juliana has never wanted my affection. The crush I’ve been harboring since we were kids, she insisted on being a hero or a dragon instead of the damsel in distress. Any crush I had has been pushed so far down I assumed it was gone.
Until right now. As she looks up at me with her hair a mess, her blue eyes watery and lost, her bottom lip trembling. She sniffs and a tear works down her cheek.
“I feel like I died with her sometimes. Like my whole future slipped away when we put her in the ground.”
I nod and wipe away her tear before kissing her forehead. “I haven’t felt real in almost seven months. It’s just been going through the motions of what I thought he’d want.”
“Exactly.” She trembles. “Anytime I try to find the me under all that, the person I was when I was happy, I get told to behave or to stay in line, or get denied. One thing after another, Gio. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“You’re a dragon,” I whisper in her ear as I smile. “I saw it tonight. I’ve seen it every time your father looks away from you.”
“It’s so exhausting. Missing her, doing the bare minimum, fighting my dad for things most parents would want for their child. I just wantonething to be easy. One thing to be mine.” She lifts her chin to look up at me. “Does that make me crazy? Entitled?”
I shake my head, my nose brushing hers in the process. “It makes you human.”
She takes an unsteady breath. “So how do you do it? How do you just ... keep going and keep adding more to your plate? Spite? Something you promised before he died? Or is it the big dick energy?”
I laugh and try to clear my misty eyes. It’s the first time I’ve talked with anyone about my father dying. I had to brush it off at the funeral with so many eyes taking in my every move, everyone evaluating and judging.
“Yeah, must be the big dick energy.”
She laughs and wipes under my eyes. “We’re a mess, Gio.”
I reach around her to turn down the heat on her meat mushroom mix and add some water. “We are. But I think everyone is. I think everyone’s just pretending when they’re out and about.”
“Then what’s the real Gio?”
I pause, and meet Julia’s eyes. “What’s the real Juliana? Is it Juliana Giovani?”
She scoffs and makes a disgusted face before returning to her food, adding seasoning, onions, tomatoes, and then stirring slowly. “I think I’m at my realest here. Where no one else is watching unless I choose to let them in. With Charlie and Nolan, watching those home renovation shows and making lists on Amazon that I’ll never buy.”
I chuckle and clean out the peppers. “Cheese?”
“Yes please.”
“Stuffed peppers?” I guess.
She nods and glances at her dogs. The tan one walks over to his bed, looks at it, drags it closer to the kitchen, then spins no less than four times while stomping the bed into the shape he wants. He lays down, making himself a fluff ball, then just watches us.
“Nolan,” Juliana whispers. “he’ll probably get up and do a few circles the other way in a minute.”
“Where’s Charlie?” I ask.
“He’s used to being my sous chef, so he’s probably rolling around on the coat you left on the couch to get back at you.” She teases.
We finish making dinner without talking much. While the peppers cook in the oven, Juliana leans against the counter. “I don’t even know what I want anymore other than to be free of the rules. I know I could run an empire, I know that I could be a good C.E.O. and do good things for employees, but I don’t know.”
“It’s not the best career if you actually want to help people, I think. If you love golf, underhanded deals, and playing politics, it’s for you.” I snort.
“So you don’t want it either?”