I used to fall asleep every night envisioning that future, but since coming to Anchorage I’ve scarcely thought of my old friend at all.
The closer Miles and the others get, the clearer it gets that I can’t keep my distance. That I’m going to break their trust… and their hearts.
We’re getting too close. We like each other too much. This wasn’t part of my plan. Leaving them will mean pain for us all. It’s only been a matter of weeks. What happens when it’s been a year? Two? Leaving them may hurt just as bad as when my child left me for what I hope is a better place.
Maybe I should have taken my chances with Pack Fernando. Then at least I could spend the rest of my days hating them instead of hating myself.
I can’t do this to the guys. To Miles, to Noah or Ben. Hell, even to Archer. They don’t know what they signed up for. They trust me to be what I promised, what my mother advertised. Instead they are perfect and whole, and I am the cancer that threatens to destroy them from within.
Should I come clean now and give them a chance to decide for themselves? Should I run away and hope I’m never discovered by them, by Mother, by anything else?
I wish I were brave enough to take my own life, to make sure I’d never hurt anyone else.
But I can’t.
The best I can do is leave—leave or shatter that picture-perfect image they cling to. Not knowing. Never knowing.
I wish I knew the best way forward.
I wish this were easy. Or at the very least not impossible.
I’ve never been brave or strong, and these days I’m not even honest.
But I know one person who’s all of that.
My twin sister Jade.
I grope for my phone and clutch at it like a lifeline. Now more than ever, I need to hear her voice. I also need her advice. She was always so much less afraid to live life than I’ve been. She never would have gotten herself in this situation to begin with.
“You’ve reached Jade. Leave a message, bitch!” her voicemail challenges in a happy, sing-song voice. God, I miss her.
“It’s Vi. Call me back,” I plead, then end the call and send a text too. Jade is always getting on me about turning text message situations into lengthy phone chats. Well, too bad. This time I actually do need to talk. It’s the only way I can possibly hope to sort out my feelings, my options and urges.
I wait for a few minutes, but when my phone doesn’t buzz with a notification, I begin to panic.
My heat is coming and fast. If I’m still with Pack Muldoon when it hits, I’ll never be able to escape. Even if the guys believe me to be infertile, even if they send me away, I’ll still be worse off than I started.
And they will be too.
But if I come up with a solution before that happens, at least I’ll be the only one to suffer for my missteps.
Ugh. It’s so hard to think with my hormones going crazy. Every time the guys are near, it’s like my brain ceases to function. My body takes over, and she only wants one thing—or rather four.
“Please call back, please call back,” I beg of Jade while clutching my phone tight. I know she can’t hear me, but maybe our twin juju will kick in and she’ll just know I need her. After all, it’s happened before.
While I wait and pray and panic, I scroll through my social media feeds and see that my sister Scarlett has posted a photo of her latest artwork. It’s an angry charcoal number with a woman sporting a gaping wound in her chest as she clutches her own bloody heart.
Whoa. What’s going on back at home?
Without thinking, I press call. Yes, I need my sisters, but maybe they need me too. And after Jade, I’m closest to Scarlett, given that she was born just a year later than us. Sometimes people even thought we were triplets, but Jade and I always made sure to let Scarlett know she wasn’t one of us. That she was other.
I guess I owe her an apology for that.
“Violet?” Scarlett answers with a shaky voice. “You never call. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say smoothly. I used to be such an honest person, and now I find myself lying almost constantly. At least this one isn’t selfish, though.
“I saw that drawing you just posted. Are you okay?” I counter. You can talk to me, I want to scream, but why should she believe that? Obviously something big is going on, and I haven’t the faintest idea what. I’ve been absent from all of the Steele sisters’ lives, not just my own.