“At least he wasn’t the cheater,” she says. “I know, I know, but… that’s something.”
I shrug. Maybe it is, but right now I can’t think around it. All of it. Beverly, Isaac, and Percy, the world they all belong to, the world that comes with its own set of twisted rules.
“I shouldn’t have gotten involved again,” I say. “That’s the real mistake, and that’s on me.”
“Nope. I told you to get out there a month ago, remember? So it’s my fault. I take full responsibility.”
“Rose, absolutely not.”
“Yes, mea culpa. Now stop feeling like you messed up, because you didn’t. You were brave! You trusted again! You had a relationship with a man, and you opened yourself up, and that’sfantastic.”
I twirl my spoon round and round in my cup of chamomile. “Feels like a pretty hollow victory.”
“Right now, maybe, but not in a few weeks. I promise you that.”
“You know, maybe I need to leave New York.”
There’s a brief pause. “Like, leave, leave it?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I’m getting worried now. Should I get in the car and start driving?”
“No, I’m clear-headed. Maybe for the first time in over a year.” I lean my head against the kitchen cabinet and look up at the ceiling. “I’ve tried for a year to make it work. To fit into the Sophia Bishop-shaped hole left behind in the blast zone of my marriage… but I just can’t seem to find my place.”
“Where would you go?”
“I don’t know. Exciteur has a big office in Chicago. Maybe that could work.” I take a sip of my too-hot tea. It burns. “New York is the biggest city in the country, but it doesn’t seem big enough for both me and my past. I keep running into it.”
“Sophia,” my sister says. “Do you want to run from him?”
I sigh. “Maybe. I was so sure I’d manage it before, but now… I can’t imagine working together with him. I can’t even imagine living in the same city as him.”
It seems painfully cruel, the idea of living in the same city as him, and working on the same projects as him. Just a few blocks away.
“Maybe it’s time I stop trying to become a New Yorker. Everyone reaches a point when it’s just better to give up, you know? I think mine’s come.” My eyes burn and I blink to try to clear them. It doesn’t help.
I see his face, the way he’d looked beneath the streetlamp. Like I’d hurt him by getting into that cab. Like he was breaking, too.
“Sophia,” my sister says. “You have always loved New York. You had a poster of the city skyline in your bedroom, remember? The one Dad got you when you turned ten? It’s where you always dreamed of living. After school you and I used to lie on the couch and re-watch New York TV shows and talk about whether we’re a Miranda or a Samantha, or laugh at Joey and Chandler.”
“Every day,” I murmur.
“That was just entertainment for me, but you saw it as a manual. You’ve wanted to become a New Yorker your whole darn life!”
“Maybe that was the wrong dream,” I say. “Maybe New York doesn’t want me.”
She snorts. “Bullshit. You’re constantly getting promoted, you earn the big bucks, and you walk really fast now. Look, there’s no shame in deciding a dream’s no longer for you. But I refuse to let you run away from it because you’re scared or hurt. You have every right to own the city, just like Percy or this new guy.”
“Isaac,” I whisper.
“Yes, Isaac. So you had a setback in the last year. That doesn’t mean this isn’t your home. Would it be easier in Chicago? Knowing no one, nor your way around?”
“No, probably not.”
“I’m not saying don’t do it. Just… know why you’re doing it.”
I sigh. “Damn it, when did you become the voice of reason?”