“I don’t need you to pay for me, Kit.”
“I know you don’t.” He stood up and paced the room, needing to release some of his built-up adrenaline. “You can give me money for the trip if it’ll make you feel better. Or not. I don’t care. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
She rubbed at her temples as though the conversation made her weary. “What did you want to talk about?”
“It’s a bit awkward … maybe … I’m not sure … I just wanted to tell you …” He stopped dead, shoving his hands in his pockets as he looked at her. “I love you.”
She stared up at him for a moment, not a trace of surprise in her features.
The silence dragged on and every second felt unbearable. He cleared his throat. “I’m fairly sure you don’t feel the same, but I just thought I’d tell you and then … I don’t know. I just love you. I’m in love with you, I mean.”
Tilting her head, she gave him a sympathetic smile. “Do you know Noah had a crush on me once? It lasted a few weeks and then he was over it. This is probably the same.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said, slightly disturbed by the notion. “But I don’t have a crush on you. It’s not like that. I’m in love with you. I have been for a while.”
She stared at her hands in her lap, nodding lightly as though digesting the information.
“I had to tell you,” he said, needing to fill the silence. “I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it’s been eating away at me. I needed to get it off my chest.” He paused, but she only put her head in her hands. “Can you say something?” he asked gently.
She didn’t look at him. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t seem surprised,” he ventured. “Did you already know how I felt?”
“No.” She shook her head. “Maybe. I sort of suspected … but I didn’tknow.”
“And now that you do know?”
“Oh god, Kit,” she whispered, wiping her fingers under her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” The conversation didn’t seem to be going his way, but he needed her to spell things out for him. After she’d smashed his heart to smithereens, he could set to work putting it back together for someone else.
“The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you.”
He let her words sink in for a moment. “I guess that tells me everything I need to know.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, tears shining in her eyes when she finally looked at him. “You’re so sweet …”
“But you just don’t see me that way? It’s okay. You can’t help how you feel. Ordon’tfeel in this case.”
“You’re such a good friend,” she said sadly.
He pushed the heels of his hands into his sockets, then dragged his fingers through his hair. “I’ve messed everything up, haven’t I? I suppose it’s not possible for us to pretend this conversation never happened?”
Standing, she put a hand on his arm, and he made an effort not to withdraw immediately. He wasn’t sure he could cope with her sympathy as she ripped his heart out of his chest. “You can do so much better than me.”
“I can’t,” he said, locking eyes with her. “There isn’t anyone else for me.” It hit him with a jolt of certainty. If he could scrape the pieces of his heart back together, the broken mess would still belong to her. Always.
“You only think that now.” Her words were condescending, but the pain in her eyes was earnest.
“I think that now and I’ll think it forever.” His confidence was borderline comical, but he didn’t care. There was no real difference between making a fool of yourself and making amassivefool of yourself. He was all in. “I love you,” he said, taking the opportunity to say it once more before he left. He took a few steps towards the door.
“Kit,” she sniffed, tears falling down her cheeks as she followed him. “I feel terrible.”
“Don’t.” He wanted to wrap her in a hug but knew that wasn’t a good idea. “I didn’t come here with any expectations. I just needed you to know. We don’t need to speak about it again.” He squeezed her arm but couldn’t look directly at her. “I’ll let myself out.”
Down on the street he waited for the crushing sensation in his chest to pass. Then he inhaled deeply and set off for home in the pouring rain. By the time he got there he was drenched and only paused to fire off a quick message to Trystan, saying that things hadn’t gone well, before stripping off and getting in the shower. The hope that he’d been carrying with him for more than two years had gone and now he didn’t feel much at all. Just a horrible numbness that no amount of time in the shower would wash away.
When he finally dragged himself out, he pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms and a T-shirt, then sat on the couch with his phone in his hand, registering missed calls from Trystan and Noah. It rang again after a moment and he hit the button to answer.