“I should have explained everything before.” Wearily, he sat beside her, close enough that his entire left side connected with her right side. “Staying longer has never been an option. Regardless of how I feel about you, I have to go home. It’s not that I don’t care about you enough to stay.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” she said bitterly.
“I know.” He sighed and stretched his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Why do you have to go back?” she asked softly.
Dropping his elbows to his knees, he covered his face with his hands, and she instinctively rested a hand on his shoulder.
“I left a year after Dad died … because I couldn’t stand to be there any more. Every time I turned a corner I imagined bumping into him. Everywhere I went I was met with sympathetic looks. I couldn’t stand my own grief and I couldn’t cope with anyone else’s. Seeing my mum so upset killed me. Trystan spent a lot of time with us, but I always envied him because he could go back to London and escape. Then I bumped into Kevin. His parents have had a holiday home on Scilly since he was a kid. When I mentioned needing to get away for a while, he said he could set me up with a job in Bristol and I jumped at it.”
“Did being away help?” she asked.
“I guess so. Except I also felt as though I’d run away. I felt so guilty for abandoning Mum.”
She moved her chin to his shoulder. “You didn’t abandon her.”
“That’s how it felt. I’m always so annoyed with Lowen for causing issues for Mum when he should be supporting her, but I was just as bad.”
“I’m sure your mum understands.”
He pressed his thumbs to his forehead. “I can’t shake the guilt.”
“I don’t think your mum would want you to feel guilty about getting away. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you.”
“It’s not just leaving that I feel so crap about …”
“What then?”
His jaw clenched as he shot her a sidelong glance. “The day Dad died, he asked me to go sailing with him. I told him I didn’t have time.” His voice broke and he dropped his head to his hands. “If I’d have made time, Dad would probably still be alive.”
A lump swelled in Keira’s throat and she snuggled into Noah as she wrapped her arms around him. “You can’t know that,” she said gently. “And you couldn’t have known what was going to happen. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know.” He straightened up and pushed tears from his cheeks with his palms. “Mum says the same … it’s not common knowledge, by the way, only Mum and Seren know.”
“I’m sorry.” She kissed his damp cheek. “It’s such a horrible situation.”
“I feel as though the least I can do is be around to make sure Mum’s okay.” He lifted Keira’s hand from her lap and intertwined their fingers. “That’s why I need to go home. It’s not that I don’t care about you. I hate the thought of leaving you.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“So, can we do long distance? At least for a while. Maybe once I’ve been back there for a bit – and if Mum’s okay – I’ll feel better about living elsewhere.”
“We’ll give it a go,” she said, pushing her fingers into his hair. “I just really hate the thought of not knowing when I’ll see you next.”
“Surely that’s better than splitting up and having no plans to see each other again?”
“Yes.”
He pulled her close and kissed the side of her head. “I’m really sorry I said that stuff about your dad.”
“I told you never to say anything bad about my parents.”
“I know, and you’re right that I don’t know anything about the situation. I shouldn’t have commented.” He swallowed hard. “Do you really have a problem with my job? Because I like my job, but I hate the thought that you think less of me because of it.”
“I don’t think less of you. I shouldn’t have said any of that stuff. I’m not sure why I did, except that I was panicking about you leaving and not being very rational.” With a hand at his jaw, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m sorry.”
His breath swept over her lips as he stayed so close that their noses were touching. “Can we see each other as much as possible until I leave?”