“I got your messages.” Elliot’s voice still had the power to send pleasant chills down my spine. It was disappointing to not have him on video, because I wanted to look him in the eye while we did this.
But at the same time, I didn’t want him seeing my face go through the myriad of emotions I expected. “Yeah. Hi.”
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting, I was in a meeting. What’s up?” Was his tone casual? Cool?
I couldn’t tell. Why was I doing this? Was he in a meeting with Link? A meeting for work? Too many questions that wouldhave to wait for answers. “You wanted to apologize, so I’m listening. Make it good.” When in doubt, embrace Online Fallyn. Not that she had served me well recently, but she was still my shield.
His laugh was definitely strained and nervous. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s a good start.” I wanted to say a lot more, but I’d let him finish.
Elliot sighed loudly. “Stick with me on this, because I promise it has a point.”
Interesting.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about...” The abrupt silence was deafening, until another sigh interrupted it. “About when I tried to take my life. Because, well, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big ones is, after that I built some pretty powerful walls to keep everyone out. I swore the world wasn’t going to tear me down like that ever again.”
This wasn’t what I’d expected, and I had no idea what to think. It didn’t feel like a sympathy play, but bringing up one’s own suicide attempt didn’t typically bode well for a conversation. I didn’t dare interrupt, for fear I’d either stop him from talking, or fuel whatever he was doing.
“I think you found the weakness in my defenses,” Elliot said.
Oh. “Me?”
“Yes, you. I don’t know if you crashed through or dug your way underneath or climbed over, but you’ve landed on the other side.”
I didn’t… That was good news, right? I’d never had someone tell me something like that before. “What about Link?”
“He was already inside. Fort for two. But you’re here now too, and I don’t want to kick you out again. You win.”
My creeping hope slipped a notch. “I don’t want to win anything. I already told you, it was never about winning. I just wanted you to look at me and seeme. Not whatevervillain you made me out to be because of my videos. Not your little sex kitten. That’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted from anyone”—including myself.Oh, fuck—“is to seeme…” I trailed off as realization sank in. I was pushing for him to recognize something I couldn’t even define for myself.
“Okay. I want that too. Who are you?” Elliot asked.
“I… I don’t know.”
“May I give it a shot?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted that. From Link it would probably be okay, but it seemed like asking for trouble to let Elliot speak his mind as I was in the middle of this revelation. For so much of my life, men like Elliot had defined me, and I was done.
Which must’ve been why I said, “Sure. Go for it.”
“There’s the obvious.” The way Elliot started wasn’t encouraging. “You’re smart. Not like a little smart, but the ways I’ve seen you break my code blow my mind. You’re sexy as fuck.”
And here we went. It was all downhill from here. I clenched my jaw.
“Don’t take that wrong. I don’t just mean you look smokin’ in absolutely anything, but the way you think. The places your mind goes. Your creativity, your thoughts, your heart… You’re kind. You’re a little shy and a lot terrified and I don’t blame you. The world sucks sometimes, and I have no doubt it’s been at least as cruel to you as to me.”
Elliot went quiet again.
Was he done? Because that was a pretty good list so far. He saw more in me than I expected, and really it wasn’t the easiest thing to make a list of someone’s good traits on demand.
“I’ve never met anyone like you.” Elliot’s quiet words yanked my attention. “Not even close. No one in the universe compares to you, Fallyn. Yes, I love Link, but he’s not you. I’d never want him to be you, or you to be him. I was an idiot to say the things I did. To push you away. To treat you like anything other than theone-of-a-kind that you are. I’m sorry, and I’ll spend as long as it takes to show you that, if you let me.”
Oh. Oh, wow. “What if I tell youno? Apology not accepted. What if I tell you to fuck off?”
“Then it hurts, but I respect that.”
Nothen you’re a stupid cuntoryou’ll be sorryorI’ll make you forgive me.“I’m not telling you that, by the way. I’d be sad if you fucked off.”