I snapped.
“He was talking shit about my sister,” I growl. My breath is still ragged, my lungs pumping with fuel.
“I understand, Theo. And I’ll deal with him. But this is not acceptable. This can’t happen on my field, you hear me?” He steps in close to force my eyes on him. He’s literally all I can see.
I nod.
Coach unfurls his fist, letting go of my jersey, and James swings an arm around me, quickly leading me off the field.
“He was talking shit about Anika . . . and Lily,” I explain.
“I know,” James grunts as he keeps urging me forward.
“I fucking lost it,” I say.
“You did,” he agrees.
We get to the hill path and I stop, turning to scan for my mom and that asshole. They’ve started walking to the parking lot, away from me, and I don’t know whether I’m glad my mom’s leaving or hurt that she doesn’t want to check on her son.
I shift my focus back to James, my bloody helmet dangling at my side in one hand while I grab a fistful of my own hair with the other.
“Fuck!” I rock from side to side. I’m so mad at myself, but also, I’m mad I didn’t hurt Raskin more.
James steps in close and places his hand on my shoulder to steady me—to ground me.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Everybody knows he had it comin’. It’s going to be all right, dude. Just breathe.”
I try to follow his advice, and tears prick the corners of my eyes. I’m still livid, but now that helpless sense is taking over space in my chest.
“Go dress out. Shower, or maybe go for a walk. Put some distance between this and you, for now. I promise, I’ve got your back.” He moves his hand to the back of my head, and I meet his stare head on, nodding okay.
After two pats on my shoulder, James takes off back down the hill toward the team. I head straight to the locker room and strip out of my uniform and pads, stuffing everything into my locker after grabbing my phone and my T-shirt and sweats. I don’t bother showering because the only sweat I earned was from knocking the shit out of my own teammate. I still firmly believe he deserved it, though. I’d do it again. I’m pretty sure I will always choose to do it again, no matter how much time passes.
I kick open the back locker-room door and head to the only place that feels safe—the archives. The door is cracked open by the time I get there, and when I step inside, I’m relieved to see Lily waiting for me. I tug it closed and slip the lock in place, then let her wrap me in her arms as we both crumple to the ground. I cry in her embrace in the dark until my head hurts and my skin feels raw from hot, salty tears. Lily never lets go. In fact, she never speaks. She simply stays with me and lets me feel it all.
I haven’t told her this, but I hadn’t cried for Anika yet. Not until right now. I don’t think I knew how. But something about Lily makes it seem natural to be vulnerable. Being with her makes it all right to not be all right.
Chapter23
Lily
Theo cried into my chest for ten straight minutes. I don’t think he’s ever let his emotions out like this. I had a sense he was more of the bottling-things-up type. His sister was like that, too. A lot of people who self-harm have that trait. It seems easier to physically hurt yourself than open up to others.
The game is probably over by now. I’m sure we won. The other team didn’t look very good. None of that really matters to Theo right now, though. It’s been several minutes since he spoke. I’m not sure whether his mind is on missing his sister, hating his stepdad, or the consequences he’s likely going to face.
Threading my hand through his hair, I notice a small scar that runs from just behind his ear to the center of his head. I let my finger follow the line a few times, and before I find the courage to ask, Theo speaks.
“Neil caught me behind the wheel of his car about six months after he moved in with us,” he begins, moving his hand up to touch the scar, as if he’s reading its story. “I was just playing around like I was driving. I didn’t have keys or anything like that, so it’s not like I was really going somewhere. Our dad used to let Anika and me pretend to drive all the time. And, I don’t know, maybe I was missing him or something.”
“Neil loves that car. It’s a classic. Sixty-five Plymouth Belvedere, candy-apple red.” He looks up at me from my lap with a kid-like grin as he describes it. “Anika was with our mom getting her hair done for some party. I was supposed to be putting my suit on, but something about that car—it called to me.”
“You were a little boy. Cars will do that,” I justify.
He shoots me a crooked smile that fades fast as his gaze falls away.
“Neil grabbed the back of my zipper hoodie I was wearing and pulled me out of the car by it, lifting my feet up off the ground and shit. He held me like I was a cat he fished out of the pool, and my zipper caught the back of my ear and sliced a line across my head as I fell out of the hoodie. Turns out I was kinda heavy.”
I can feel the dent in my forehead, and I try to erase it before Theo looks up at me, but he catches it and presses his finger into it, rubbing small circles.