“You weren’t an asshole,” she finally responds.
“Oh, I was. But thank you for letting me off the hook.”
Our gazes lock again. After a few more seconds, her head falls to the side and her mouth pulls in, outwardly displaying her thought.
“You weren’t an asshole,” she insists. “You were grieving.”
Wow.
My smile fades at her honest assessment, but I leave my eyes on hers. Her smile is soft, her eyes matching as they slope and display understanding.
I swallow hard.
“I was. Still am. Probably will be for—”
“Forever,” she fills in.
I open my mouth to offer a different word but decide quickly that she’s right. I close my mouth and nod in agreement.
Shifting in my seat, I sink down lower and rest my hands on the bottom of the steering wheel. Lily shifts too, and for a few minutes we sit in complete silence and look out at the stars.
“Can I say a bunch of things without you looking at me so I can get them off my chest, and will you promise not to think I’m weird?” I brace myself for her reaction, but it’s a simple and quickyes.
I breathe in long and slow through my nose while I mentally sort my words. It’s hard to express the mess in my head, but I need to for Lily and me to be able to have a real shot. Even if she doesn’t need to hear it, I think I need to hear myself say it. Our family therapist would say I’m actualizing my feelings. I’m just trying to make sense of my own brand of crazy.
“I blamed you for Anika even though I knew it wasn’t your fault. I’m self-aware enough to know I was transferring my own guilt and trying to find a reason for something that will never make sense.” I let that first big confession sit out there in the open for a few seconds. I glance to Lily, and when I find her eyes still focused up on the stars and her expression relaxed, I exhale.
“I thought about you all summer. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since those hours before it all went to hell. I thought about you when they asked me to identify my sister. I thought about you at the police station, and all the way home while I sat there speechless in my uncle’s car as he drove me and my shit home for the rest of the term. I looked for you the moment I got to campus, and I scanned every classroom with this repressed hope that your face would be in there. I wanted you with me, near me, within reach or a phone call away. And I hated myself for wanting any of that.”
I sit up tall in my seat and lean forward, resting my hands on the top of the steering wheel and laying my head to the side so I can stare at her. I’m afraid she’s going to run from this car screaming or tell me I’m a liar. Or worse—tell me I’m alone in these thoughts.
“I hated myself for liking you so damn much. In my mixed-up head, my biggest worry was what other people would think. I didn’t want people to think I was with you for Anika’s sake, that I was trying to, I don’t know, honor her or whatever. I didn’t want them to think what I felt for you wasn’t real, because it is.”
Her lips part and I lift my head, eager to hear her react. Terrified.
“You didn’t want me to think you were giving me some pity attention to make me feel better for failing your sister.” She blinks a few times, then turns her head slowly until our eyes meet.
She gets it.
“Yeah,” I croak.
We sit quietly like this for nearly a minute. It’s strange that I never feel forced to look away. Even stranger that she never seems to either.
“My feelings for you are not because of any of those things,” I say, breaking the silence. My chest feels lighter with every thought I say out loud. I can breathe, and the difference enlightens me to how little I have been for the last several months.
“I believe you,” she says. “And neither are mine.”
Our mouths both curl into soft grins, and I think maybe for once I’m blushing, too.
“I’ve had a crush on you since I was a dragon princess, just so you know,” she adds, breaking up the seriousness that was honestly starting to make me itch. She shifts in her seat again, tucking her skirt under her thighs with her hands, and like a trained dog, my gaze immediately follows.
I scratch at the front of my neck and lean back in my seat once more, stretching my legs out to give my dick more room. Thank God I’m not wearing a tie right now. I’d choke.
“When we were twelve?” I arch a brow, anxious to hear what she thought of my young, punk-ass self. I was not very crush-worthy in my memory.
“Oh, yeah. You know what sold me completely?” Her mouth twitches with a laugh, so I brace myself for whatever’s coming.
“The cannonball during physical education.” Her grin goes ear to ear and is completely serious. She blinks with wide eyes as she looks at me.