“It’s not very long, but I think I got my point across well,” James says, sliding his paper in front of me.
I clear my throat.
“Let me give it a read.” I make it through the first two sentences before losing interest. The paper is fine. I can tell from his thesis statement. And me pretending to review it will give James the confidence to turn it in. I’m too distracted to give it any actual attention.
Theo shifts his body, scrunching his arms while he works extra hard to grip the controller and lean forward to stare only at the screen. He’s pretending, too. I can sense it. Cameron’s trash talk lends small clues as he calls Theo out on his shit play. My eyes dart from the page in front of me to the view from under my lashes. The louder and more animated Cameron gets, the more rigid Theo’s body becomes, until finally, Cameron stands in the middle of the room with his arms in the air declaring victory.
“Loser!” He points to his friend.
Theo tosses the controller into a large pillow on the floor, and for a slip of a moment, his gaze comes to me. My head lifts a fraction as my breath stops. He breaks our stare in less than a second, standing and stretching his long body, his arms reaching toward the ceiling. It’s rare to see him like this—jeans, a T-shirt, his hair tossed in a million directions, socks on his feet. The urge to crawl up in his lap fills my mind, my body warming at the thought of his arms wrapped around me.
I wonder if he could ever be the kind of guy who would stroke my hair and kiss the top of my head while we did nothing but watch reruns of old Disney shows all afternoon.
“Hey, man. Can I borrow your charger in your room for a few?” Theo’s attention squares on James, and it’s almost as if I’m suddenly invisible as he steps up to the table across from us.
“Sure, it’s on my desk.” James nods toward the hallway and Theo disappears around the corner.
“It’s good. Your paper, I mean.” If he fails this assignment, I’m probably fired. He won’t, though. I spent enough time in that class to know the buzz words, and his opening lines will get him a solid B at the very least.
“Ah, thanks. That’s a relief.” He sighs as he slips the paper back in its folder.
“Your restroom . . . is?” I didn’t use it the last time I was here. I don’t honestly need to now.
“Yeah, down that way. Right past my room before you get to the master. You either end up in there or the laundry room.” He sifts through some other folders in his bag as I slip behind him and follow in Theo’s footsteps.
James’ room is dark, but I can see the glow of Theo’s phone inside. I force myself not to look his direction as I pass the doorway and step into the bathroom. I flip the lights on and scan the stark space. Navy blue towels stuffed around a rack, a bottle of men’s cologne, some toothpaste, and a brush in a red Solo cup. Coach and his wife must have their own space because this is definitelyallteenage boy in here. I stand at the sink and chew at my lip, wondering how long I should hang in here with literally nothing to do.
After maybe a full minute, I wash my hands and dry them on the only towel that’s semi-folded and flip the lights out before cracking open the door. My sight still not adjusted to the pitch black, I don’t see Theo waiting against the wall across from me. And when his body moves into mine, my mouth opens with a loud gasp that’s quickly swallowed up by his. He kisses me hard, his hands gripping the sides of my face while my hands fly up to shackle his wrists. My back finds the edge of the doorway and Theo rests his forehead against mine as he breaks our kiss.
“Why are you being so mean?” he whispers at my hear.
I’m out of breath, and suddenly acutely aware of my lack of bra and the nearness of his hard chest. His body is hot, and he tastes like caramel.
My hands release his arms and flatten against his chest, and I battle between wanting to push him away and wanting to pull him closer. His stance widens, his legs straddling mine as I lean back, caged by him. His body smells of dirt and sweat, and I doubt he showered after practice.
I find the inner strength to gather his shirt in my fists yet keep my head down enough to deflect another kiss, no matter how badly I want it. His breath is hot against my forehead as his mouth opens enough to kiss my hairline. My eyelids shut and my heart flutters, but I shake my fists against his chest.
“Why are you treating me like a secret?” I grit the words through my teeth, and I utter them right into the center of his heart before giving him a push. He relents easily, taking a half step back, giving me enough space to escape.
There’s no way I can keep this up. I can’t make it through a meal with him, especially at a table in front of people we know. Who knows what passive aggressive quips he’ll make? I’m done with that Theo, no matter how fucking badly I want to feel his hands rush over me.
“I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I can stay for dinner. I have this paper to work on, and I’m super stressed about it, so I’m going to go study on my own. Another time, maybe?” I can barely hold eye contact with Mr. Fuentes, and I’m sure I seem flustered. My cheeks are heated, and I can smell Theo all over me, like a wild animal who marks his prey.
“You’re welcome anytime, Lily,” James’ dad says. It’s the kind of statement one makes to try and fix an uncomfortable situation. It’s the type of thing my stepdad Drew says when my mom hurls backhanded insults at me.
“I’ll text you after dinner. Maybe I can help you for once,” James says. His smile is so sweet, and I can tell he senses how stressed I am. His concern is reflected in his heavy lids and the slight pout to his lips. I’m also pretty sure he knows that my state isn’t about a paper. It’s the same way I know our shopping plans are more about him spending time with Morgan than about anything retail related.
“Sure. Yeah. Text me,” I stammer, hugging my unclasped bag to my chest with my work hurriedly tossed inside.
I somehow escape without seeing Theo again. I don’t know how I would react if we made eye contact again. He has a spell on me, and it’s more than a schoolgirl crush. I want to fix him, but to do that I need to travel back in time. And even if I could, I don’t know what I would be able to do differently.
There were no warning signs of the ominous outcomes ahead. Anika was having an amazing night, then out of nowhere, she needed to drive into town. It was urgent, and she seemed panicked about something. She grabbed a set of keys and found the matching car. Morgan and Brooklyn literally hijacked me from the conversation I was having with Theo, insisting that the three of us go with our friend. Theo yelled for his sister to wait, and he was searching for his own keys, but Anika was already peeling out of the dirt lot by the barn. The three of us caught up to her before she hit the dirt road and piled in with her.
The rest happened so fast, I barely remember it at all. Only the vivid scenes. The nightmares.
Without even thinking, I make my way to Theo’s secret door. I don’t want to explain myself to my roommates right now, and I don’t think I can contort my face into anything other than distress. I tug the door open and quickly shut it behind me, feeling for my phone in my pocket. Once in my hand, I turn on the flashlight and wind my way through the tables and desks until I get to the one in the back. I pull the chain for the small lamp and drop my bag on the desktop as I fall into the leather chair. My body slumped, I roll away from my homework and slowly draw my legs in to hug my knees to my chest.
I soak in the silence, not even a hum from the glowing bulb on the desk to distract me. I stare so hard and so long at my bag on the desk that it blurs. My mind doesn’t even register what’s in front of my eyes. All I see is the hard line of Theo’s jaw, his plump bottom lip, his teeth—that beautiful view of him so close to me, wanting me.