Theo pulls a single chip from his bag and makes a presentation about placing it on his tongue, his eyes lazily sweeping my face as his lips close in an almost sensual way just before his teeth gnash down and break the chip into a million harsh bits.
“It’s easy to fly through things likeSee Spot Run,” Morgan says, coming to my defense. Uneasy laughter titters from everyone’s mouths but mine and Theo’s. We remain locked in this staring contest, unspoken truths bouncing between us, until finally—
“How was the pool this week, Lily?” Theo’s lip ticks up with satisfaction.Fucking prick.
“You swam? Lily! That’s amazing!” Morgan shifts in her seat to face me directly and lays her hand over my arm. I want to collapse in defeat on the tabletop, but there’s a tiny fire in me that refuses to go out. Anika would hate me being weak. She’d hate the way her brother is treating me. I feel it in my gut.
My eyes close as my gaze moves from Theo to my roommate, and I decide to live the lie I spun with James. That will be the new truth, and whatever happened with Theo in that pool will die there, in the past.
“Yeah, it felt . . . good.” I smile even though my stomach twists. The feel of the water engulfing me, cutting off sound and blurring sight, is sharp in my memory.
“That’s great,” Theo says, his tongue sharp, words crisp. I’m too weak not to look at him, and he rewards my focus by eating another chip, just as slowly until his shark-like teeth crunch down. I flinch. I hate that I flinch.
“Do you think you’ll be ready to compete in the first meet? You know we’ll all come.” Morgan’s hand taps on my arm and I fight Theo’s draw to return to her. I nod because that’s what the lie would expect of me, and my throat starts to close. I’ll never be able to get in that pool and compete again, let alone in two weeks.
“I’ll tell my dad to check the schedule. At our old school, he was big on teams supporting other teams. I know he’ll want us to be there as a team. It really does foster community,” James says.
“You have to be fucking kidding me.” Theo’s words are mumbled, but they’re clear enough for us all to hear. He gathers his trash, smooshing half his sandwich into a napkin as he wraps it up.
“Dude, what’s your problem?” James demands.
Theo’s body suddenly feels twice the size of anyone else in the room. He laughs to himself silently, his eyes still down on the table as he stands. He looks at me first, and I’m too weak to will my eyes to plead with him to stop. I’m frozen in place. Maybe I want to feel the discomfort, to take it in as punishment for failing him and his family.
He blinks his attention to James next and forms a conciliatory tight-lipped smile.
“You’re right. I’m in a mood is all. Got hit with a ton of studies I wasn’t expecting this semester. I’m sorry; I was out of line.” He holds a fist toward James, who stares at it for a few uncomfortable seconds before knocking against it with his own.
“It’s fine. I get it.” I can tell James isn’t being sincere, but this is what one is supposed to do in a situation like this. He’s being civil. Look at us all—playing parts we’re no good for.
“Oh, hey. We should tell them all about tomorrow night, yeah?” Nobody else may notice, but I spot the way James looks at Theo as he throws this hook out into the depths. There’s a bit of a chess game happening, and I don’t fully understand it. I do recognize it, though.
“Sure.” Theo lifts his chin a touch and holds his tight smile in place.
“What’s tomorrow night?” Brooklyn asks.
“Party or some shit. Theo found this place. It’s like hissecret lair.” These are the first words Cameron has spoken to us in days, and he’s so unfazed by the tension drowning me, it manages to ease its grip on my throat a little. He’s also high, which I guess lets him glide through awkward moments on a cloud.
“Do tell,” Morgan spurs Theo on.
“Midnight. Just be out in the common lawn, away from the paths and lights. I’ll show you where to go from there,” James says. Theo’s weight shifts, and I’d swear there’s a power move happening.
“I’ll be waiting. You know, in myfucking lair,” Theo adds, glancing down at Cameron and lightly slapping the back of his neck before leaving our table in his wake.
Cameron laughs it off and picks up Theo’s abandoned chip bag, digging in to eat the crumbs his friend left behind while I sift through the figurative ones he left for me alone.
James types his number into my phone and saves it as a contact so we can get together tomorrow morning, and I try to seem distant about it because I feel Morgan’s eyes on me. I don’t want any of this. I didn’t want to be a failed hero, I didn’t want to be part of theincrowd, and I am not interested in James for anything other than pleasant conversation to pass the minutes I have left at Welles.
“We can study at our place. My dad makes a mean omelet. Come hungry,” he says, pointing at me and smiling crooked and cute as he backs away from our table, taking Cameron with him.
It takes approximately seven seconds for Morgan and Brooklyn to pounce.
“What was that about?” Brooklyn breaks into things first, probably because her concern is more about me, and the way Theo is treating me rather than the thing Morgan is interested in—James.
“He’s struggling. I get it. And if he has to take it out on me sometimes, it’s okay.” I push my mostly uneaten sandwich away and tuck the unopened chips into my backpack for a snack later.
“Uh, no. It’s not okay. We were there, Lily. I know we haven’t talked about it since we’ve been back, and we’re probably all sick of talking about it from before summer, but what we went through was a real fucking nightmare. He wasn’t there to see the things we saw, and Morgan and me? We didn’t see the things you saw alone, Lily. So, no. it’s not okay. He doesn’t get to take things out on you.” Brooklyn’s right, but she’s also wrong.
“Yes, he does,” I relent. My friend growls in frustration and pushes her chair away from the table, the feet squealing against the linoleum floor just before she stands and walks to the opposite side of the table.