“Yep,” I respond, giving his dad another wave and smile.
“Better be studying tonight, Rothschild. I’m a stickler for grade checks.”
I salute him.
“Of course, sir.”
When his attention drifts, I make wide eyes at James who simply nods with a closed, smug grin. It’s the first day. There is literally nothing to study.
“Hard-ass,” he mouths.
I laugh and pound his knuckles with my fist before heading back to my dorm. I should have stayed and dealt with Cameron. I should have waited out the dozen people in line to use the dryer in our laundry room. I should have transferred to another fucking school for my final year.
I should have been in that car to save my sister.
And that’s what this is really all about.
Being here, that’s my punishment.
Lily Beachem? She isn’t interesting.
She’s my curse.
Chapter9
Lily
Nobody saw anything, except James.
And I lied to him.
The crippling weight of that moment when he caught me leaving the fieldhouse with wet hair and my team suit has worn a hole in my gut for the last three days. Morgan and Brooklyn were gone when I came in. The only person who needs to know I dove and failed is Theo, and I’m sure he isn’t going to say a word to anyone. He’ll have to admit to saving me, to seeing me—to following me there because . . .because why?
He won’t do that.
But James knows. James knows a different story. In his version, I was putting in laps and am about to start back with the team. He “couldn’t imagine how strong I was after all I’d been through.” I swallow hard at his reaction because I’m not brave at all. I’m terrified. I’m fake. I’m not even here in so many ways. I’m lost.
The relief I felt when he spotted Theo was temporary because there were suddenly three of us, and no matter how fast I darted back to my dorm, there was no way to make him unsee me and James together, all the obvious signs that I was “swimming.” Two very different stories. One painful truth.
I can’t do any of this.
I’ve lived with the fear of this moment for three days, and the intensity of my anxiety is greater than I could have fathomed. It’s lunch, and I should be sitting at a table with Brooklyn and Morgan and the many girls who clammer to sit at our table just to be near them—maybenearus.Instead, I’m at one end and Theo is at the other, his eyes fixed on me and James as we talk. I haven’t heard a word James has said, other than asking if I was serious about helping him with comparative lit and could we start tomorrow.
I think I said yes.Did I respond?
James is still talking and showing me his syllabus, so I must have.
I prop my head on my fist, bent elbow resting on the tabletop as my hair falls forward and shades my face from the penetrating glare about six feet away from me.
Focus on the words, Lily. Just read the damn words.
This class was easy for me, and the syllabus is the same. I should be able to help James without much effort, but if I were smart, I’d tell him to seek out help from Angela. She’d tutor him just to brag about being able to do something I couldn’t.Weird, competitive freak.Despite the imaginary warning buzzers in my head, I press on. I’m too far in to back out now.
“The hardest part is going to be keeping up with the reading,” I say, flipping through the stapled pages.
James slides back in his chair and his arms slump at his sides. I fake a laugh. That’s what a normal person would do right now, a person not hiding from Theo Rothschild’s judgement. It feels like it’s working until he laughs with me. Not reallyatme. It’s clear, though, that this laugh is mocking me. It’s purposeful, and the mood at the table instantly shifts. James shakes his head at me and rolls his eyes, then shifts his attention to Theo.
“Sorry we aren’t all speed readers like you, Theo.” He thinks he’s mocking him for not liking to read. It’s sweet. I know that contempt is one hundred percent for me, though.